Sit ‘n Go (humor)

(envisioned as a commercial, maybe on SNL)

FADE IN

Professionally dressed man and woman. Smiling. Enthusiastic. Chipper.

MAN: CEO’s, presidents, owners, and managers. Have you ever noticed how much time your employees spend visiting the restroom?

WOMAN: Coffee. Donuts. Breakfast burritos. Soft drinks. Water. Mexican food for lunch. It’s all gotta come out sometime!

MAN: Now you can increase worker productivity by eliminating those wasteful trips to expel bodily waste.

WOMAN and MAN: With the new Sit ‘n Go!!

Video display of what appears to be a motorized chair. It conceals a person’s body from the waist down. It folds open along the front, with a toilet seat inside. The video shows a man fold it open, turn around, bend over and drop his pants and underwear to the floor, sit inside, and then fold it closed. The man begins to steer the Sit ‘n Go with a joy stick, out of this office and down the hall.

MAN (voiceover): The Sit ‘n Go’s ergonomic design is adaptable and comfortable to any body type and size. It can easily navigate office doorways and halls, and is compatible with any desk style.

WOMAN: Your employees simply sit and go wherever they are! At their desk. At a meeting.… What else is there! No more bathroom visits to drain the main vein or drop a deuce.

SCENE: Meeting room with the attendees in Sit ‘n Go’s. Two men (TED and NED) and two women (JILL and JANE).

TED: Has everyone had a chance to review the project tasks?

Several flatulent noises are heard.

TED: Anyone have questions about the timeline?

The long steady sound of a urine stream striking water is heard through the remainder of the scene as NED stares about serenely.

JILL: I should complete my tasks in 20% less time now that I can piss and crap at my desk!

TED: Outstanding Jill!! (TED leans over and passes gas.)

JANE: These new Sit ‘N Go’s are totally awesome!

All faces turn to JANE as she concentrates during her defecation, with associated passing of gas and sounds of stool dropping into water.

JILL: Whoa, Jane. How ‘bout a courtesy flush there, sweetheart!

Everyone smiles and laughs.

MAN: Yes, the new Sit ‘n Go not only increases productivity but can be a team building exercise as well.

WOMAN: Get the new Sit ‘n Go for your office today!

FADE OUT

Booger Man At a Club (humor)

(Envisioned as a short on Saturday Night Life.)

Booger Man has a hot date. This isn’t saying much, really, since Booger Man has a regular girlfriend. Insomuch that an expected, and even taken for granted, date can be hot; Booger Man has a hot date.

Booger Man and Girlfriend are at a club drinking and dancing and generally having a good time. Booger Man excuses himself so he may visit the restroom.  Unbelievably, the men’s room is empty. Finally! All through dancing Booger Man kept imagining ways he could covertly stick a finger up his nose and remove the choice booger that resides there.

As Booger Man is busy, so is Girlfriend, as she accepts a dance invitation and gets to grinding with Hands Man, his hands roaming freely over Girlfriend.

Back in the men’s room Booger Man is doing his thing at a urinal and inserts a finger into his nose and quickly removes the choice booger. Only briefly is he allowed to admire the product of his nostril before others enter the men’s room. Booger Man wipes the choice booger on the wall above the urinal. He zips up, cleans up, and heads out.

Later, Hands Man walks briskly into the men’s room and up to a urinal. An expression of relief spreads across his face as he does his thing. He places his right hand on the wall for support, and leans into it. Hands Man’s hand is set squarely over Booger Man’s choice booger. Hands Man pulls his hand away to reveal a booger-free wall. He zips up, but doesn’t clean up, and heads out.

After more drinking and dancing Booger Man again excuses himself. As soon as Booger Man disappears into the crowd Hands Man is there making a play for Girlfriend. Never one to shun a bit ‘o random mugging to get the blood flowing, Girlfriend eagerly embraces Hands Man and his hands go to work, even groping beneath her shirt. Girlfriend’s internal timer ticks down and she pushes away Hands Man, teasingly done with her bit ‘o fun.

Booger Man returns and he and Girlfriend depart the club. Sitting in their parked car they begin to make out like teenagers. Booger Man gets aggressive and he gropes under Girlfriend’s shirt. Booger Man pauses. He pulls away his hand to find a choice booger. Booger Man looks up quizzically. Is this his choice booger? How did this homing pigeon of a booger make it back to him, upon the breast of Girlfriend? Booger Man’s eyes glaze over as he ponders the mysteries of the universe, and two-timing girlfriends.

Booger Man At Work (humor)

(Envisioned as a short on Saturday Night Live.)

Ding!

An empty elevator opens and Booger Man enters. Finally, time alone. Booger Man immediately sticks his right index finger into his right nostril. For the past 20 minutes he could feel the mucus nugget in his nose, blocking his airway, beginning to itch. Now is a perfect time for extraction. Booger Man makes quick work of it. Booger Man pulls his hand away and inspects the results. A gloriously large booger. Such satisfaction from a job well done.

Ding!

Oh shit! Booger Man quickly wipes his gloriously large booger on the wall behind him and steps to the left. The doors open and the elevator fills with office workers. A tall, gloriously curvy woman in a tight black skirt stands to the right of Booger Man. He can’t restrain himself from looking down to witness the fate of his gloriously large booger. Skirt Girl notices, looks him over, and takes exception to his apparent ogling of her backside. Skirt girl shifts her weight and the left cheek of her ass presses firmly against the elevator wall.

Ding!

The elevator empties. Booger Man leans overs and watches as his gloriously large booger sashays down the hall on the left butt cheek of the gloriously curvy Skirt Girl.

Skirt Girl strides down the hall and enters the copy room. The copier is in use by a casually dressed man. Copy Man gives Skirt Girl a once-over and approaches her. They engage in a PG-13 embrace and kiss; their hands roaming each other’s bodies. The copier goes quiet and Copy  Man collects his papers and exits.

Copy Man is making his rounds delivering documents. He deposits a folder on Booger Man’s desk. Booger Man takes out the pages and begins to leaf through them. Booger Man pauses. He pulls away his right hand to find a gloriously large booger. Booger Man looks up quizzically. Is this his gloriously large booger? How did this homing pigeon of a booger make it back to him? Booger Man’s eyes glaze over as he ponders the mysteries of the universe.