Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Booger Man At a Club (humor)

(Envisioned as a short on Saturday Night Life.)

Booger Man has a hot date. This isn’t saying much, really, since Booger Man has a regular girlfriend. Insomuch that an expected, and even taken for granted, date can be hot; Booger Man has a hot date.

Booger Man and Girlfriend are at a club drinking and dancing and generally having a good time. Booger Man excuses himself so he may visit the restroom.  Unbelievably, the men’s room is empty. Finally! All through dancing Booger Man kept imagining ways he could covertly stick a finger up his nose and remove the choice booger that resides there.

As Booger Man is busy, so is Girlfriend, as she accepts a dance invitation and gets to grinding with Hands Man, his hands roaming freely over Girlfriend.

Back in the men’s room Booger Man is doing his thing at a urinal and inserts a finger into his nose and quickly removes the choice booger. Only briefly is he allowed to admire the product of his nostril before others enter the men’s room. Booger Man wipes the choice booger on the wall above the urinal. He zips up, cleans up, and heads out.

Later, Hands Man walks briskly into the men’s room and up to a urinal. An expression of relief spreads across his face as he does his thing. He places his right hand on the wall for support, and leans into it. Hands Man’s hand is set squarely over Booger Man’s choice booger. Hands Man pulls his hand away to reveal a booger-free wall. He zips up, but doesn’t clean up, and heads out.

After more drinking and dancing Booger Man again excuses himself. As soon as Booger Man disappears into the crowd Hands Man is there making a play for Girlfriend. Never one to shun a bit ‘o random mugging to get the blood flowing, Girlfriend eagerly embraces Hands Man and his hands go to work, even groping beneath her shirt. Girlfriend’s internal timer ticks down and she pushes away Hands Man, teasingly done with her bit ‘o fun.

Booger Man returns and he and Girlfriend depart the club. Sitting in their parked car they begin to make out like teenagers. Booger Man gets aggressive and he gropes under Girlfriend’s shirt. Booger Man pauses. He pulls away his hand to find a choice booger. Booger Man looks up quizzically. Is this his choice booger? How did this homing pigeon of a booger make it back to him, upon the breast of Girlfriend? Booger Man’s eyes glaze over as he ponders the mysteries of the universe, and two-timing girlfriends.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Village Blinders

Throughout history man has been separated by a lack of technology. Villages and tribes, which eventually sprouted into regions and countries, evolved their own unique customs and cultures. The populations were more alike than not, based upon their shared histories and experiences. They were unified and cohesive, bonded by familiarity and loyalty.

Even as late as the 1800’s there was still a significant lack of technology. Then technology exploded. The telegraph. The locomotive. The automobile. The airplane. The telephone. The Radio. The television. Satellites.

The concept of a Global Village was born.

A Global Village is an optimistic outlook. If the world is a village then man is more alike than not. Man is more unified and cohesive. Man works towards the same relative objectives and shares the same relative philosophy based upon shared experiences and knowledge. A unified human race!

Take the United States, for example. With its large land area there were regions and states separated by distance. Unique and separate cultures formed. The South. New England. The Midwest. California. The United States was more a collection of “villages.” In the mid-20th century the United States evolved into a “global village,” bonded by the struggle of the Great Depression and the challenge of World War II. A microcosm of what the world could accomplish if it were indeed a global village.

But then technology continued its advance. The interstate highway system greatly increased travel. Individuals began to seek out others they felt were more like themselves. The 60’s was born. There was the proliferation of cable television with its myriad of choices. The internet. Cell phones. Smart phones.

The United States has long since peaked as a village, and so the world itself has long since peaked as a global village. Individuals are not interested in being unified and cohesive; that would mean accepting change and compromise.  Individuals seek out those who are more like themselves, not those who challenge and promote thought, reflection, and growth, but instead those who validate our narrow view of the world.

We watch only those programs on TV that increase our comfort. We listen to talk radio and talking heads who push agendas that are good for us, or bad for those we don’t care about. With our headsets and earbuds we customize our music. We visit websites and chat rooms that confirm our previously held opinions. Technology allows us to easily interact with only those who are like ourselves.

We go through life with blinders on; each of us in our own cocoons, ignoring what is happening around us. We are less accommodating, more demanding, less tolerant, and more partisan. The way we use technology is separating and fragmenting societies and cultures, stunting the growth and development of human race.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Booger Man At Work (humor)

(Envisioned as a short on Saturday Night Live.)


An empty elevator opens and Booger Man enters. Finally, time alone. Booger Man immediately sticks his right index finger into his right nostril. For the past 20 minutes he could feel the mucus nugget in his nose, blocking his airway, beginning to itch. Now is a perfect time for extraction. Booger Man makes quick work of it. Booger Man pulls his hand away and inspects the results. A gloriously large booger. Such satisfaction from a job well done.


Oh shit! Booger Man quickly wipes his gloriously large booger on the wall behind him and steps to the left. The doors open and the elevator fills with office workers. A tall, gloriously curvy woman in a tight black skirt stands to the right of Booger Man. He can’t restrain himself from looking down to witness the fate of his gloriously large booger. Skirt Girl notices, looks him over, and takes exception to his apparent ogling of her backside. Skirt girl shifts her weight and the left cheek of her ass presses firmly against the elevator wall.


The elevator empties. Booger Man leans overs and watches as his gloriously large booger sashays down the hall on the left butt cheek of the gloriously curvy Skirt Girl.

Skirt Girl strides down the hall and enters the copy room. The copier is in use by a casually dressed man. Copy Man gives Skirt Girl a once-over and approaches her. They engage in a PG-13 embrace and kiss; their hands roaming each other’s bodies. The copier goes quiet and Copy  Man collects his papers and exits.

Copy Man is making his rounds delivering documents. He deposits a folder on Booger Man’s desk. Booger Man takes out the pages and begins to leaf through them. Booger Man pauses. He pulls away his right hand to find a gloriously large booger. Booger Man looks up quizzically. Is this his gloriously large booger? How did this homing pigeon of a booger make it back to him? Booger Man’s eyes glaze over as he ponders the mysteries of the universe.