Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Raunchy Comedy

(Warning! Much Raunchiness below)

I just completed two seasons of Louie on Netflix. Enjoyed it very much.  I just now noticed that the show is “Louie” but he spells his name “Louis.” Okay, then. Here is some comedy inspired by Louis C.K. Just imagine me on stage …

I am leaving the bathroom earlier and I didn’t wash my hands. That’s right. I admit it. I don’t always wash my hands. We all do it. We all sometimes don’t wash our hands. So get over it, already. I am walking out and some bathroom Nazi calls me out for not washing my hands. He says to me, “Didn’t your mom teach you to wash your hands after going to bathroom?” I say, ” My mom taught me not to piss on my hands.”

So let me get this straight. I am sitting on the toilet taking a shit … taking a shit. I am not taking a shit. I am leaving a shit. Why don’t we say leaving a shit? I understand why we don’t say give a shit because giving a shit means you care. Certainly we all “care” about shitting and pissing, we care that it is not out in the open for all to see. But when I take a shit I don’t give a shit, I leave a shit.

Anyway. I am taking a shit. I wipe my ass. The idea behind washing ones hands is that wiping your ass after taking a shit is dirty business, and so you want to make sure your hands are clean. Cleaner than your ass, anyway. For the sake of argument let’s say I got some fecal matter on my hands. It happens, right? So, I want to wash my hands. But first I have to pull up my pants. Tuck in my shirt.  Zip and button my pants. Fasten my belt. And THEN I wash my hands!?!? I doubt I have any more shit on my hands because I have left it behind on my pants, shirt, and belt!

What we need to do is wash our hands before we reassemble our cloths. So what I do, because I really am into cleanliness, I wash my hands first! I stand up and flush the toilet, but I don’t touch any of my clothes. My pants and underwear are around my knees. They are NOT around my ankles. If they are around my ankles then they are on the floor. And bathroom floors, especially in men’s room, are hazardous biological waste zones. There can’t be many things more dirty than the floor of public men’s restroom. Nasty places.

So, my pants and underwear are not touching the floor, they are around my knees. But I ain’t touching them until my hands are clean! I have my feet spread and my knees splayed, holding up my pants and underwear without touching them. I waddle out of the bathroom stall. I am basically naked. Bare ass. My dick and balls are hanging out for anyone to see. I waddle over to the sink and wash my hands. Then I have to waddle over to dry my hands, waddling with my dick and balls shaking and shimmying, swaying back and forth. My old man balls slapping against each thigh. I dry my hands, and NOW I can pull up pants.

Have you ever thought about the mathematics used to create toilets? Someone, somewhere, did some serious number crunching to determine the water level in toilets. Because no matter what toilet I use they all seem to be perfectly designed so that when a turd leaves my asshole and plops into the water the resulting splash is just enough to wet my ass. Just think about the math here. Toilet bowl width and depth. The mass of my turd. Splash. Right on my ass. Course, I already pissed in that water, because the first thing you do when you sit down to take a shit is you take a piss. And maybe I already dropped one turd, or shit with some other composition, so that splash of water ain’t just water! And then for that first wipe you have to use extra toilet paper and fold it so it is extra wide so you can dry a wider area. The splash zone. Gotta cover the entire splash zone.

Speaking of water on the ass, I don’t get bidets. Maybe because I didn’t grow up with a bidet, but I just don’t get it. Okay, so I get a little splash of water on my asshole. Clean water, and not the turd splash from earlier. Now what? It isn’t clean! All I have is wet shit around my anus. How can that water fountain of a splash of bidet water actually clean the shit off my ass? It doesn’t! It just wets it. What I need is a power wash. Sppprrrish!! I need someone down there with goggles and rubber gloves, put that power washer on max and spray me clean. Sppprrisshhh!! That would clean up that shit.

Okay. So I got the water fountain stream from the bidet onto my dirty asshole. Now I have to clean it, right? Not with toilet paper! Toilet paper can handle the turd splash cleanup, but it would just crumple apart if I use it for the bidet splash. Then I would get bits of wet toilet paper clinging to my anus and near-anus. Clumps of wet toilet paper clinging to the hair. That’s right. I have hair down there. I don’t do porn, so I got hair around my asshole. I hear that sometimes a towel is available for using after spraying your ass with a bidet. A towel? Then don’t I need two towels? One that I can use to remove the shit, and another to dry? In fact, I am gonna bidet my asshole twice. Rinse, wipe clean, rinse again, wipe dry. Two different towels.

But what I really want is that power wash. Spppprrishh!! Get that shit clean. After the dude … wait, let’s make that a woman. A chick. Hey, this is my fantasy bathroom so I want a chick power spaying shit off my asshole, not some dude. After that chick with the goggles and rubber gloves power washes me clean – Sppprrrishhh!! – then I leave may pants and underwear around my knees, and waddle over to one of them air dryers. Get my ass up there and get everything nice and dry. Now I don’t even have to wash my hands! Perfect.

Okay. I’m done. Thank you very much. Thank you. Good night.

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