Rape Culture, Slut-shaming, and the Blame Game

America is a blame culture. We obsess over assigning blame for situations that really have no one to blame. We direct blame not based on the facts but based on our prejudices, our politics, and our selfishness. Anyone who does not subscribe to your exact point of view is not-you, and thus, them, and so, are to blame.

Take the current discussion on rape, rape culture, and slut-shaming. There are two sides, on the same side.  One group is comprised of those who wish to protect women through punishment of those who commit sexual assaults, and to promote an attitude adjustment in men (and boys) about sexual boundaries and consent. The second group are those who wish to protect women by making them more aware of how they can protect themselves, and minimize risk. Both groups want the same thing: the elimination of sexual assaults. Both groups are correct. They are in fact one group.

There is another blame game and it is arbitrated by insurance companies; automobile insurance companies. I was once involved in a traffic accident and by the time I arrived home to report it to my insurance company the wife of the other driver had already called my insurance company telling them it was my fault, and she wasn’t even at the scene! Auto insurance companies are in the middle of a blame game, and for them punishment and restitution are important, but prevention just as much so. 

The concept of defensive driving is quite simple. Avoid being the victim of someone else’s reckless driving. Learn to recognize situations and circumstances that increase the risk of a vehicular collision, and drive in such a manner to mitigate the risks. You are certainly allowed to drive with confidence in all the locations in which you have the right of way, but that does not preclude someone hitting you. Defensive driving is about prevention, not blame.

I have a right to walk down the street. But I know, we all know, there are certain streets you don’t want to walk down. Even more so at night. Each and every one of us knows that if we walk down certain streets, or go to certain locations, we are increasing the risk that we will be mugged, assaulted, or even killed. Defensive living is to recognize the dangers and to adapt your behavior to lessen the risk of you being the victim of someone else’s violence. Yes, I have a right to walk down that street. Yes, I have a right to be here or there. But that doesn’t preclude someone hitting me. Defensive living is about prevention, not blame.

Anyone who suggests women should practice defensive living in order to reduce their risk of being sexually assaulted are instantly shouted down and ridiculed for blaming woman. They are accused of contributing to rape culture and slut-shaming. There are certainly those who think some victims of sexual assault are “getting what they ask for.” These people are insensitive, selfish, and cruel. But they do not invalidate the concept of defensive living.

Any sexual assault is never the fault of the victim. However, it is possible to reduce the likelihood of being sexually assaulted by recognizing the risks. Be aware of the situations and circumstances that increase the risk of sexual assault. Adapt your behavior. Practice defensive living. 

 

 

 

 

Share Hair Care

Let’s talk about hair.

Want to know why I am thinking about hair? I will tell you why. I recently found myself in the restroom at work pulling gray hairs outta my eyebrows … without tweezers. Why do gray eyebrow hairs grow longer than the darker hairs? Why do gray eyebrow hairs grow at angles different than the darker hairs? Must be some kinda curse; gray hairs working so hard to stand out. So. Let us visit some hair topics.

Wild, Wild Hair

I am generally not a hairy person. However, over the years the hair just keeps growing in previously barren patches of skin. The first indicator of my wild, wild hair was a visit to a hair stylist. (Don’t get excited. My version of a hair stylist it the 15 buck a cut version at places like Great Clips.) One time at the hair stylist she took the electric trimmers and ran it across my eyebrows. I didn’t have Gandalf the Gray bushy eyebrows, but she ran those trimmers across anyway. Then she ran the trimmer along edge of my ears! What! Along the edge of my ears?!

This was the beginning of the curse because then I started to get hairs in my eyebrows that were longer and standing out; the foundation of bushy sprouts. Then I would sometimes find a half-inch long hair growing out the edge of an ear. What. The. Fudge. Just sticking out, growing sideways, outta the edge of my ear. Random hairs began appearing along my shoulders and upper back. Now I got hair on my stomach. A few small patches on my lower back. Hair on my butt cheeks! (No 80’s version of Mel Gibson’s ass for me.) More hair growing outta my ears, and outta my nose.

Hair, hair everywhere! Which leads us to ….

 

Manscaping

Many months ago I popped into a bar/restaurant for food a few drinks. For reasons beyond my reckoning a table of four women was paying attention to me. So I pulled up a stool and joined them. They immediately asked if I was familiar with the term “manscapping.” To which I replied, “I did me some manscapping earlier today.” Do I need to say more? Would you like to know the details of my manscaping? There really isn’t much to tell. This is mostly just a teaser topic. ☺

Am I supposed to remove my chest hair? Because when I lived in an apartment and would go to the pool, the men were all hairless. At the gym, etc, many men seem hairless. On TV and in the movies: most are hairless. What do they do? Shave it? (Sounds like an investment in time. Who wants the stubble?!) Get it waxed? (Again, time. And money) Laser hair removal? (How effective is that? Even more crazy time, and crazy money). I am a mammal. Mammals have hair.

 

Onset of Gray Hair

My very first gray hair was noticed by a college girlfriend. There was no real encroachment on that front until my 30’s.  I recall when my daughter, at an age around 5, drew a picture of me and she gave me gray hair. Gray chest hair creeps in. The aforementioned gray eyebrow hairs. Okay. Get ready for it. Here is comes. Then you get a visit from the Gray Pubic Hair Fairy. Yep. If there is any reason to embrace manscaping, this would be it. Now I have noticed a little patch of gray hairs on my left arm, near the wrist. The right arm? No such patch. The left arm? A fuzzy patch of gray. Whatever.

 

Women and Their Hair

We can’t have a discussion about hair and leave out the women folk! Woman color their hair, pluck their hair, shape their hair, and otherwise remove their hair. And I don’t want to have it any other way. Dainty eyebrows? Yes, please. No underarm hair? Yes, please. Smooth legs? Yes, please. Take care of that bikini line? Yes, please. You know where this is leading. And when it comes to that; hair, no hair, some hair, whatever hair, it is all good. Well, as long as there is no unkempt hair. You know what I mean? Hey, as long as she cares about her hairs.

 

So. Final word. Hair, no hair, it’s all good.

 

 

 

 

FRO Motivation

Sometimes before a yoga class the instructor will tell us to “set your intentions.” Concentrate on what you are going to do in, or get out of, this class. In other settings instructors have inquired about a particular pose on which you may be working. For quite some time when I was asked to set my intentions I interpreted this to mean that I was to be concentrating on a particular pose or two, or a certain aspect of poses, like foundation. Where was my focus? In the regular yoga class I attend there are 34 poses.

How many things do you have to do in a day? In a week? In a month? Do you “set your intentions” by concentrating on particular tasks? Which are the most important? This is the primary cause of stress: you focus on something particular, think about it often, worry about it, stress over it. It just one task in many, regardless of its relative importance. Between any moment and the moment of the impending important item there may any number of tasks for you to perform.

When I “set my intentions” for yoga class I set my intention for each pose. There is no one pose that deserves more attention. They are all important. For each pose I think about what I can do to make it better, to grow stronger, to increase balance and flexibility.

Sure, I have a list of things to do in any one day, week, month, year, or life. Each item on that list is important, otherwise why is it on the list?! What deserves the most attention is whatever I am doing now. Contentment is not dependent upon a few “important” tasks; concentrating on such will simply increase stress. Contentment is achieved by treating each task as important, releasing yourself from any other tasks while you work this one.

You may be facing deadlines, or an “important” event may be looming; regardless, whatever you are doing now is what is most important. Make your list, concentrate on the current item, then they will fall like dominoes.

What does FRO stand for? Well, it stands for Fro.

 

Trayvon’s Silent Voice

George Zimmerman killed Trayvon Martin. We know a bit more, but not much. We know what Zimmerman had to say in those taped 911 calls, and the physical evidence. Not much.

Here is something I do know. I once served on a jury for an assault case. Two people, a middle-aged woman and an older man, were arguing over a parking space at a shopping mall. They yelled at each other. The man says the woman was aggressively in his face. He pushed her away. That's it. Just pushing someone away can be assault. The man said he was justified; that her physical posture and yelling were threatening to him. He pushed her away to protect himself.

The judge gave us our jury instructions, detailing the definition of assault. What is was, and what is was not. The bottom line is who first made it physical. Who first laid hands on the other. In our deliberations we were unanimous in our dislike for the woman. She was the instigator. The man responded but she was the primary reason for the escalation. However, based on the definition of assault we had no recourse but to find the man guilty. The first step didn't matter, all of the in-between steps didn't matter. What mattered was who first crossed the line and made it physical. He did.

Of what little we know, we can say with confidence Zimmerman was the instigator, and Zimmerman stuck with it: escalation. We don't know who first made it physical. We can only hear Zimmerman's side. Trayvon's voice is silent. It is clear Zimmerman did not just shoot Trayvon outright. This we know because of Zimmerman's physical injuries. Something happened. But we can only hear Zimmerman's side. This uncertainty is what doomed the prosecution's case. Trayvon's voice remains silent.

We cannot convict a man on what we think we know. Emotions and opinions are irrelevant. Even the historical and current persecution of African-Americans, and specifically black men, with regards to this specific case is irrelevant. Trayvon's voice remains silent.

We must let go of Zimmerman. But we can learn. We can become more aware. We can alter and fine-tune the law. We can promote. We can educate. We can effect change in our society and culture. There will be resistance. It will be slow. At times we will be groping in the dark. Trayvon's silent voice can help lead the way.

 

 

 

Rape Culture

How is it I find myself contemplating rape culture? It started with this shirt. You may be familiar with this shirt. Perhaps you have one like it, or maybe your dad does.

 

I have always found the protective father stereotype to be trite. So, I find this shirt to be not funny, and kinda pointless. I would normally have treated the shirt with indifference, except I may have had a passing thought that the wearer of said shirt is probably the type of manly-man who is more of a thug (the two being often interchanged). Now that I have been exposed to much dialog on rape culture I would say this shirt means much, much more. I am off on a tangent here, but then rape culture is all about tangents.

What is rape culture? Here is a good definition from this blog: http://bellejarblog.wordpress.com/2013/06/24/is-this-rape-culture/

Rape culture is the normalization and trivialization of rape and sexual assault. It’s a culture in which sexual violence is made to be both invisible and inevitable. It’s a culture that teaches us that male sexual violence is both normal and desirable. It also teaches us that men are not able to control their actions when they are aroused.

Rape is very specific. Rape culture is very broad. Rape culture is boys talking about how they cajole and coerce girls into having sex, even for boys who actually stutter and stammer around girls. Rape culture is saying "that is just the way things are" when boys are being so called boys. Rape culture is saying "what did she think was gonna happen" when a woman chooses to dress and behave a certain way.

Whoever created or wears this shirt, whomever created the list, is not condoning rape culture, but they are symptoms of rape culture. This shirt is one of many signals that rape culture exists, and that we should be working to stamp it out, just as we wish to stamp out bigotry, racism and sexism (rape culture being a tangent of sexism).

I am father to both a son and a daughter. Here are the rules for dating my daughter. They are also the rules for dating my son, and the rules for my daughter when dating, and the rules for my son when dating. So, here are the rules for dating. In fact, here are the rules for life.

1. Accept NO without resentment or anger, knowing the other is being strong.
2. Hear YES with confidence, knowing the other is freely choosing.
3. Say NO without fear, knowing the other will not hold it against you.
4. Say YES with ease, knowing the other is not forcing you.

If you and who you are with can follow those four rules, well, then that is a good start.

 

 

 

 

Abortion

You want to talk about abortion? Let preface this dialog with a comment. Politicians like to talk about abortion because it is a distraction topic, in the sense that it keeps them from having to talk about where the money is going. Politicians prefer to talk about social and cultural issues rather than talk about how the government is being run. You want to talk about abortion?

On the one side you have a human being growing inside a woman, and when that human being is killed then it’s rights have been violated. This make sense to me. On the other side you have a woman who controls her own body and can decide whether or not she wants a human being growing inside of her, and when you force a woman to do so then her rights have been violated. This make sense to me. And therein lies the controversy. There is no objective argument for one side over the other. Where do the rights of one end and other begin?

If you approach this purely from the point of view of the state then a human being gains their rights at birth. Prior to birth you do not have a social security number, you are not considered a dependent, you are not a citizen. If you approach it from a, let’s call it, a conservative point of view then a human being comes into existence at conception, and so is afforded rights at conception. From a biological point of view when the fetus is able to live outside the womb then it becomes a distinct living organism. But where do the rights of one end and other begin?

A woman is not pregnant. At this point no one questions whether or not she controls her own body. This is the default, beginning position: a woman controls her body.

A woman becomes pregnant. At what point does she no longer control her body? At what point can she be forced to remain pregnant?

The answer lies somewhere in the middle, which is basically what the Roe v. Wade decision says.

Here is the rub. There is no objective answer to this question. It is a matter of opinion. The only recourse is to allow individuals to decide for themselves. Of course, this is seen as a defeat by those who oppose abortion because it allows abortions. To them I say, move on. To them I say, promote sex education so woman can better control when they get pregnant.

Here is my opinion:

When a woman learns she is pregnant she should have the opportunity to decide if she wants to remain pregnant. This is her right to control her own body, the same right she had before she became pregnant. How long does a woman need to make this decision? Who is to say? A line as already been drawn; a woman has several months to decide. If a woman decides she does not want to remain pregnant then she should be able to pursue the procedure without impediments or interference from the state or any third parties.

Girlfriend Not

I don’t have a girlfriend. In fact, I have not had a girlfriend (i.e. relationship) in the eleven years since my divorce. To be truthful, I find it unlikely I will ever have a girlfriend. Let me tell you why that is.

Searching for a girlfriend is too much work. Every time you encounter a woman you are evaluating her, judging her, giving her a score. Deciding whether or not to approach, or flirt, or to ask for her number, or to ask her out. This is not something you can do just some of the time. You are working against the law of averages here, so to have any success whatsoever you have to engage in it most of the time. I am sure some men thrive on this activity. To me, however, it is a chore. It is distracting, and eventually exhausting. Ultimately, that is not who I am. It isn’t me.

Internet dating, you may suggest. That might work if most people used internet dating simply as a means of meeting people. Two problems. Sit In Judgment and False Intimacy. Everyone Sits In Judgment while internet dating. You become much more demanding, much less accepting, and generally less trusting. You are looking for what you don’t like, as opposed to what you do. When you decide to convey interest, and it is mutual, then you should meet in person. But not so for most; they prefer to exchange information, history, etc. Get to know each other online. This can generate False Intimacy. You think you know a person, but you really don’t. All you have is information, not knowledge. During this time you fill in the blanks with your imagination, which is almost always busted when you eventually do meet in person. Internet dating? No thanks.

Inertia. Some people are perpetual daters. When one relationship ends they quickly move into the next one. It is really just one long relationship. You do the same things, behave the same way, your needs and wants are the same, and your eventual issues are the same. You just trade out partners over time. When I first divorced I purposely avoided any thoughts of dating. I am used to being on my own. Inertia now keeps me out of a relationship.

Not because I can. I am not going to go out with someone just because I can. There has to be something extra there. I am not talking love at first sight (which I don’t discount, either). I am looking for something a little extra that separates her from other women I find attractive. And I have to feel this something extra, as opposed to it simply being a woman’s apparent interest in me (which is always good but by itself cannot sustain). Have I felt this something extra? Yes, I have, but to no avail.

I live my life. I do the activities I want to do. If in doing so I meet someone, get to know her, and we hit it off, then fantastic. If not, then fantastic.