Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Divorce Recovery

First off, when deciding whether or not to end a relationship I believe there is only one question you need ask yourself: do you want to make it work? Well, do ya? Some would answer yes to that question but then take little action to actually make it work. Making it work means change. It means you change. If you are unwilling to make significant changes, then no, you do not want to make it work. When relationships do fail, what next?

First thing is to not be in a relationship.

It seems the most popular method of divorce recovery is to simply have that next relationship. When I was getting divorced just about everyone was telling me to date, to get a girlfriend. I believe this to be the exact wrong thing to do. For many the solution to a failed relationship is to be with a different person in the next relationship. Nope. YOU need to be a different person in your next relationship.
If you roll from one relationship to the next then, really, it is just like one big relationship. You carry over your habits, behaviors, wants and needs and just transfer them from one person to another. You are the same. You need to take time to consider your contribution, work to improve yourself, and then begin to think about having another relationship.

Understand your contribution to your failed relationship.

Have you ever noticed that when asked about their divorce people invariably tell stories about their former spouse? You hear all the things their former spouse did, or did not do. 99 out of 100 divorces are 50-50. Half the responsibility lies with each spouse. It is important to understand your former spouses contribution, but it is paramount that you understand your contribution. And don’t just focus on the end; review the entire course of the relationship. Attitude? Behavior? When were you selfish? What did you take for granted? What did you ignore? Did you fixate on anything? What caused resentment? Did you hold a grudge?

Envision how you are going to be different in your next relationship.

If only … If only… Have you have said how your life or relationship would be better if only … If only this would happen. If only my spouse would do this, or that. If only my spouse would be this way, or that way. If only … There is one thing in this world you can control: you. (And let’s face it, sometimes you can’t even control yourself!) Take those “if only’s” and apply them to yourself. YOU do this or that. YOU be this way or that way. You make it happen.

Want (not need) a relationship.

Do you need a relationship? Or do you want a relationship? Can you appreciate the difference between need and want? You should remain on your own, without a relationship, until you realize you don’t need one. You are capable of being perfectly content without a relationship. Now, want a relationship. If you want.

Be a different person in your next relationship.

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