Giving the IT Finger

Hierarchy of Blame

Depending on what you support (or use) you may not have this same list of folks to blame for problems with your system.

User Error

Is there any subset of humans more troublesome than users? They are either ignorant, stupid, or both. You know how whenever you call a help line (which makes YOU the user) they always start with the most fundamental of questions? That is because the first to blame for your problems is you. Some users are so good at being wrong that the only way to set them straight is to look over their shoulder as they recreate their “problem.” If something goes wrong then the first finger is pointed at the user.

Security

If you can’t do something in the system then it must be because you don’t have the proper access; access that most certainly should have been figured out and applied to your account well before you ever wanted to use it. The security team will try to confuse you with whatever nomenclature applies to your system: permission lists, query trees, security search records, row level security, component interfaces, web libraries, yada, yada, yada. They are like magicians, distracting you while they do some “magic.” Once you get past the triage that is the help desk then the second finger is pointed at security.

Working As Designed

You may not like how it works. You may not agree with how it works. You may be confused and bewildered by how it works. That is how it works. Get over it already. The third finger is the middle finger. Brought to you by the designers of your system.

Production Support

There are folks who are responsible for knowing how everything works. They test. They design. They develop. They troubleshoot. They document. They educate. Sometimes they suck at it.  You know where to put that fourth finger.

DBA’s (or equivalent know-it-alls with access to everything)

You notify the DBA’s of a problem and they will immediately forward it to someone else. You know that old comic Family Circus? With the ghost-like “Not Me” who breaks things and screws things up? “Not Me” is who the kids blame when the parents ask who did something. “Not Me” is what the DBA’s say. Only after the problem has been redirected multiple times will the DBA’s take a serious look at it. Fifth finger pointed.

You have a problem? Is it legitimate? No worries, just sit back and let the hierarchy of blame runs its course. Enjoy the ride.

 

 

 

 

A Mad Lib

Before proceeding please create selections for these items, so they may be inserted into the story as you read:

Name of Bar/Club. Activity. Body Part. Piece of Clothing. Part of town. Food. Dollar Amount. Sex Act 1. Sex Act 2.

A Man. A Woman. And what the parakeet saw.

The man and his friends go to ((name of bar/club)) for some drinking and ((activity)). The man and the woman make googly-eyes with each other. They meet and sit together. The man spills a hurricane right on her ((body part)). To make amends the man offers the woman his ((piece of clothing)). They stand-up and trade clothing on the spot. Over the next several hours the man and woman occasionally trade clothing. Management threatens eviction if the man and woman do not cease. They trade clothing again. They are kicked out.

The man and woman walk the ((part of town)) and eventually try to reenter where they were evicted. But the bouncers recognize them because the man is wearing a very distinctive shirt and hat. The man and women go to get some ((food)). While there some guy professes his admiration for the man’s very distinctive shirt. The man sell his shirt for ((dollar amount)) and the guy’s shirt. The man loses his hat and with his different shirt the man and woman are able to reenter.

The woman leaves with her friend but not before the man and woman enjoy ((sex act 1)) on a street corner. The man returns to his friends and later meets another woman. The place closes at 5am and the man and the other woman stand out front on the curb and enjoy ((sex act 2)).

The end.

Subprime Mortgage Blame Game

When reading The Big Short, by Michael Lewis, you must not get bogged down in the complexity of the investments. As you will learn in the book pretty much no one understood the mortgage-based investments that would eventually lead to the so-called Great Recession. All you need to understand is that Wall Street thought it had another the-house-always-wins investment security, and that a handful of people foresaw the folly in this and bet against it.

It is often assumed that players in a market (both buyers and sellers) will behave rationally, which should not be confused with behaving intelligently or logically. Rationality can be a relative, subjective term; it is often a matter of opinion. A rational person will almost always choose what they see as best for them, with the result being they get something they want as long as any recognized negative consequences are not realized in the short-term. Get what you want now, worry about the later consequences later. To put it more bluntly, people are selfish and greedy.

On the ground floor there were borrowers agreeing to loans they could not afford, and lenders offering loans they knew would default. Intelligent? No. Logical? No. Selfish and greedy? Most definitely. People with horrendous credit histories and income at or near poverty level were getting home/equity loans where the interest rate ballooned after four years, and even some where the interest rolled back into the loan principle for four years. Borrowers agreed to these outrageous conditions because all they saw was the immediate money. Lenders offered the loans because investment houses demanded more and more loans that could be bundled and sold. Again, immediate money.

Next on this assembly line are the rating agencies. Rating agencies are supposed to review an investment security, assess the risks, and label it as triple-A, double-A, etc. A rating of triple-A is supposed to be low risk. In fact, Wall Street considers triple-A to be virtually guaranteed. The rating agencies had no idea what were in these mortgage-based securities (neither did just about all of Wall Street). The agencies were given a batch to rate and generally (and essentially arbitrarily) rated 80% as triple-A, based on no research whatsoever. The remaining 20% were then bundled with other mortgages and resubmitted where 80% would then be rated a triple-A! This was plain and simple laziness.

There are plenty of directions in which fingers can be pointed. The fact remains that lenders are allowed to make any loans they want, however bad they might be, and borrowers are allowed to accept any loan that is offered, however unlikely they can afford it, and investment firms are allowed to bundle the mortgages and sell them, but rating agencies should never have rated investment securities that the agency did not research and completely understand. The rating agencies are the primary culprits.

Were the rating agencies selfish and greedy? Insomuch that laziness is a product of selfishness and greed, yes. If mortgage-based securities were too complex and lacked sufficient data for proper research then the rating agencies should have refused to rate them. Everyone else played the system, even those who bet the system would collapse, but the rating agencies enabled the system, dooming it to collapse.

I’m alright. You alright?

In college I lived in a dorm for two and a half years. It was an older dorm with locker room style bathrooms. We had a janitor named Willie. Willie always said, “I’m alright. You alright”? It didn’t matter what you said. You could say hello, how are you, what’s up, good morning, or whatever. Willie always answered with “I’m alright. You alright?” What Willie really was saying was “I don’t want to talk.” He was giving a thoughtless, automatic answer because he just wanted to get on with whatever he was getting on.

Which brings me to the word “okay.” Other than instances when okay means yes, when “okay” is the answer to a question what it really means is “not good.” It doesn’t necessarily mean bad, although it could, but it never actually means okay.

How was the movie? It was okay.

How was dinner? It was okay.
How was last night’s sex? It was okay.
 

You are saying you didn’t much like it, but more importantly you are also saying you don’t want to talk about it. “Okay” is a conversation ender, or at least a topic ender.

Similarly, the word “fine” means “not bad,” and also means you don’t want to talk about it.

How was the movie? It was fine.

How was dinner? It was fine.
How was sex last night? It was fine.

Fine is not bad and is better than okay which is not good.

Within a relationship the more often you hear or say “okay” and “fine” then the worse off your relationship. The use of these words thwart intimacy; they are roadblocks, or diversions.

 

When asked how I am, my response is usually “great.” I generally don’t say fine. I might say okay, which of course means I am not okay but don’t want to talk about it. On occasion I might be better than great.

How was Dark Knight Rises? It was good.

How was dinner? It was fine.
How was sex last night? How very generous of you to assume I have a sex life because I assume you mean sex with another person which I did not have last night but in answer to your question sex last night was okay.

Game. Gamer. Gamest.

About 15 years ago my dad had lunch with some former business associate. My dad told me this man asked about me; asked if I was still playing games by myself. What? Who is this guy? I have never heard of him. I don’t recall ever meeting him. He apparently met me when I was a kid and this is what he remembers? How did this man know?

I have always been able to entertain myself. I have always played games by myself. All I needed was a little time and my imagination. Props were nice but not required. I was imagining games by myself long before there was such a thing as video games.

When I became a teenager arcade games were just coming into their own. I would ride my bike several miles to a shopping mall that had a video arcade. Missile Command. Galaga. Star Castle. Asteroids. We got an Atari and Pitfall was the game of choice. Arcade games were fun but they lacked depth.

In my early to mid-high school years I was friends with some guys that introduced me to bookcase games. Bookcase games came in boxes that resembled large books, and you stored them on a shelf, on their sides, like books. These games had depth; often too much complexity. These were all top-down strategy games. You can still find them in the computer gaming world. Markers that represent units, moved around a map (usually with hexagons). We played a World War II in the Pacific game where the game map was 12 feet by 12 feet! Setup in one guy’s garage. Accompanied by a thick rule book.

Didn’t do much gaming during college. Too busy drinking every Wednesday thru Sunday nights. But after college I returned to gaming. I found a few bookcase games designed to play solo. My favorite one concerning carrier battles during the Solomon Islands campaigns.

In the early 90’s I began to search for a computer game to play. This was before the multi-media explosion. I found it in Empire Deluxe. An easy to play, top down strategy game. You could play solo, or exchange turns via email, or even play live over the world wide web. I played the shit out of that game.

Then multi-media was ushered in. Lots of people had computers, and then you could upgrade with a CD-ROM, a sound card, and speakers. Usually a few games were included, like Myst. Seems kinda lame now, but in its time Myst was pretty dang good. So, computer gaming here I come; perfect for the little boy who has no problem playing alone.  I mostly played strategy games and first-person shooters. Civilization. Masters of Orion. Half-life. Doom.

I knew of online games, the massively multiplayer online games; World of Warcraft being the dominate player. I was never much into games with magic; I preferred sci-fi elements. I was reluctant to jump into online gaming because I knew once I started I would be all in. So I hesitated, and waited for something that really interested me.

I had heard of EVE Online, and knew that when I did jump into online gaming it would be with the space-based EVE. One afternoon I was reading a science fiction novel dealing with space travel, and I just set down the book and signed up for EVE Online. That was 2007.

Just as I figured, EVE is pretty much the only computer game I play, much to the chagrin of my son who used to like to watch me play certain games, they were like movies to him. Course, now he just plays his own.

I haven’t watch network television since around 2000. I only got back into TV shows once I could stream entire seasons over Netlfix in one weekend. I watch a few shows now but do so because my kids are into them. Something we share and discuss. Where some people watch TV most evenings I play EVE. Where some people might go to the movies I play EVE. I haven’t played any other computer game in years. If I am spending a few hours with computer gaming  then I spend it on EVE.

And what is EVE Online? It is anything you want it to be. You fly around in space ships and do what you want; not without consequences, of course. You can build, buy, sell, destroy, repeat as necessary. Mine, manufacture, invent, pirate, mercenary, whatever.  I choose to be an industrialists. I procure different raw materials, sell some and use some in manufacturing.

What I like about Eve is the accomplishments. Completing tasks, achieving goals, acquiring certain things. Heck, it is just like life.

Whether you see it as a strength or as a character flaw, I have no problem being alone. I can always find ways to entertain myself.

Yoga Watching

On the one hand it can be tough observing others while doing yoga. In certain poses it is near impossible to get a good look at anyone else, but I am a people watcher and there are plenty of watchees in a yoga class.

Favorite Position, not Pose

First there is positioning; that is, where does one place their mat. By far the popular areas are to the sides and not in front. I guess I understand to the sides if you like to use the side mirror, but I find it amusing when they squeeze their mats in at one end or the other while there is plenty of open space in the middle. I know that if I were to the side and people just kept placing their mats nearby, I would be like, "GET AWAY FROM ME!! PUT YOUR MAT IN THE MIDDLE!" Yelling inside my head.

Many don't like being in the front row, I guess because they don't want to be, you know, in front. I can't not be in front. I am too used to seeing myself in the mirror. If I move back 8 feet then in the mirror I move back 16 feet, and that is just too far away for me. Besides, being in front offers better people watching

Pre-class Rituals

What does a person do with themselves while waiting for class to begin: i.e. pre-class rituals. Prior to class the lights are off, and of course, there is no talking in yoga. So, you lay there in the dark. I have never fallen asleep laying there in the dark but I have heard a few others snoring. Most people just lay on their back, quietly preparing for class, or thinking about what to do after class, or thinking about work, or thinking about which yoga poses are best suited for sex while still being reasonably comfortable. That last thought can crop up during class, too.

Some folks are gun-ho yogis and can't wait for class to begin. They go into several poses. I guess they would say they are getting warmed up. I sometimes do pushups before a class, if that class has no push-up in it. Otherwise I might stretch my arms over my head, or pull my knees to my chest, or adjust my package. Don't need out of position bits and pieces during class.

Outer Vestments

Usually the women outnumber the men. I have been in more classes where I was the only guy, then I have been in classes where men outnumbered the women. Most men wears shirts, but some do not. There is this one guy who is planet of the apes hairy and he always wears a shirt. Good for him. The guys who do go shirtless usually do not have body hair, so looks like manscaping is a prerequisite. I do not shave or wax or otherwise remove my chest hair, so as you can guess I wear a shirt. Almost all men where gym shorts of one kind or another.

The women do not go topless, and their clothes run the gamut. Some wear baggy gym shorts and loose shirts. Some wear tight spandex bottoms with sports bra tops. Others have combos. The colors also vary. All black is popular, but you get some bright colors, too.

Noisemakers

A vast majority of those in class do not make noise beyond their breathing. But you can get a grunter or moaner sometimes. Men are more likely to grunt and groan than women. It's like the opposite of sex: where men are more likely to be all stoic and quiet, concentrating on not letting go, while women attempt to embrace the moment and can get vocal while doing so. There is this one annoying guy who I rarely see who talks during class, which is considered a no-no. I think he thinks he is being funny, throwing out sarcastic complaints or talking about a "starbucks break." Whatever, I just feel like slapping him upside the head.

With my membership I can bring guests for free, so just let me know if you want to partake in some hot room yoga.

Yoga

I used to go the local rec center and do the elliptical machine, some weights, and swim laps. My original perception of yoga was heavily influenced by movies and TV. It seemed to be all about flexibility. Women with their feet behind their heads, walking around on their hands. Inhuman stretching and contorting. I then began to understand that yoga was much more than that, I considered finding out how much more.

At about the same time a guy at work started talking about yoga. He is really into it. Said he liked to eat what he wanted and drink beer, and he found doing hot room yoga seemed the best at keeping off the pounds. He kept saying I should try it. Sunstone Yoga.

I already had the yoga idea floating in my head, and his prompting was the final straw. I checked it out. Hooked right off the bat.

Let me tell you what I like about yoga. There are no measurements. There are no numbers to log. Consequently , no appearance of bragging and grandstanding. Especially since Sunstone Yoga does not teach poses outside of most people’s normal range of motion. So, no feet behind the head and walking around on your hands. If you run, swim, or bike then you are measuring; how far and how long did it take. If you do weights then you are measuring; how much and how may reps and how many sets. It becomes a numbers game; a status symbol. There are no numbers in Yoga, and I like that. It’s just me and the poses.

I really like the hot room part. It has had a positive effect on my skin. I simply feel more healthy in a general way, and I feel stronger. There are muscles I use in yoga that never get used with weightlifting, running, or even swimming. I would say yoga is first and foremost about strength, then balance and flexibility.

I haven’t even scratched the surface on all that yoga can provide. It has begun to impact my diet, and that will only increase over time; what I want will begin to change. And I have yet to focus on the mental, intellectual, and emotional benefits.

I look forward to discovering so much more as I mature in my yoga practice.