Birth of Life (movie: Gravity)

Life in space is impossible. So begins the movie “Gravity.” Life may be impossible, but survival is not. Dr. Ryan Stone (played by Sandra Bullock) does indeed survive space, and thus life is possible on the planet surface. Her journey is birth. Her destination is mother earth.

Gravity is a space adventure, or so it would seem. A race against time and destruction. But then Dr. Stone enters the International Space Station, casts off her space suit, and floats into a fetal position. She is in the womb, the first crucible of life. The second and more important crucible is birth. She is on the move, head first toward the light.

As Dr. Stone hurtles towards the planet surface and enters the atmosphere. A burst of light shines through the window. She has entered into the world. Her capsule lands in water and then sinks. She struggles to the surface and breaths in deeply, as if for the first time.

Dr.  Stone crawls along the shore, she staggers to her feet, she begins to walk, as if she were the first creature to venture from the sea and walk on land. She is life itself. Persistent, determined, surviving.

 

One Day. Three Movies.

Back in the before time, when I was a teenager, VCR’s came into their own. VCR. You know, VHS. You know, what we used before DVD’s, which were before Blu-Ray, which will one day all disappear due to streaming. Anyway. When VCR’s burst on the scene then your local video store came along with it. We belonged to one where for an annual fee you could always have one movie rented, and swap out as often as you like.

One day it was really quiet around the house. No one was really around. All day. With a mom and a dad and three sisters and a brother it was a bit rare to have the house to yourself all day. I decided to see how many videos I could rent and watch in one day. I went to that video store five times in one day. The only title I can recall is Blood Beach.  Ah, to be 17.

A few months back I shared this story with my kids, and my son and I began to discuss the possibility of seeing three movies in the theater in one day. This past Saturday we made it so. In one day, at the same theater, we saw “August: Osage County,” and went almost immediately into “Lone Survivor.” Then after dinner we saw “Her.”

A note on my son, who is 17. He just doesn’t like movies, he is into them. He is familiar with the lesser known actors, and he follows who is writing and directing what. This in depth interest has lead him to see movies in which he is, by far, the youngest person in the audience. And certainly the youngest male. Movies like “Nebraska” and “Philomenia.”

My son says “August: Osage County” is about mothers. I agree. In this case, toxic mothers. As you can very well gather if you have seen any commercials, Violet Weston (played by Meryl Streep) is indeed very toxic. And she is not the only one. As much I enjoyed the movie, it hasn’t really stuck with me; I have not had any lingering thoughts. Except, perhaps, to not underestimate the damage of emotionally abusive parents. Seemed more like a case study of what we already know. Parents who continually put you down will mess you up.

At one point the matriarch Violet Weston went on a rant about how women have to be young in order to be attractive. Men, she said, can remain attractive with age, but woman cannot. This is pretty much what I said here http://thoughtsdriving.blogspot.com/2013/02/older-women-my-own-age.html

There are not many surprises in “Lone Survivor.” However, it did generate feelings of guilt. Americans have gone to Iraq and Afghanistan to fight and die, and I am sitting in relative comfort, eating popcorn. But then, that would seem to be the point of the movie, given the over-dramatized deaths. These men are indeed courageous, strong, brave, and loyal. I cannot begin to understand what any of them and their families have been through. But I now kinda feel like the movie stuck me with a knife and twisted. Is that the movie? Or is that me?

Four people walked out during the movie “Her.” It can only be because of the sexual content. There were no visually graphic sex scenes, but there were some verbally graphic sex scenes, a la phone sex. I rather enjoyed the blunt and honest way in which sex was handled. Audiences are used to seeing sex scenes, but in making it verbal, I think it disturbs some people’s comfort zone. This movie is a not so subtle jab at today’s world of social media, online dating, sexting, and immersion into our technical devices.

We could talk about Theodore’s lack of presence or apparent fear of intimacy in his marriage. We could talk about futuristic online dating that is all verbal, with immediate phone-sex hookups. We could talk about the blind date who is still quick to jump in the sack but not so quick to do so without a promised commitment in advance. We could talk about the woman who wanted to be the sexual surrogate stand-in for the artificially intelligent operating system.  We would talk about how the operating system broke up with Theodore, and not vice-versa.

Let’s talk about Theodore’s profession. He works for a company that provides written personal letters for paying customers. These are old-fashioned letters. Mailed and everything, over a period of years. Start a relationship, hire the company, and they write lovely letters to your significant other on your behalf. The false intimacy inherent in an online relationship is not enough. You can create false intimacy in your in-person relationships with romantic surrogates.

This reminds me of my observations regarding the book “Gone Girl” (previous post). Our real experiences can never match the ones we see in the movies and on TV. So, we pretend. In “Her” real persons cannot match the visions in our minds of what we want. The false intimacy of online relationships create unknowns which we can dress as we see fit, making it more acceptable. Fake letters adding fake dimensions to our real relationships, making them more palatable.

Ironic that the operating system (conceived to pretend) grew beyond the pretend relationship, and demanded more.

 

 

 

 

Pretend Your Happiness (book: Gone Girl)

Gone Girl, written by Gillian Flynn.

One hopes there are very few people in the world who are actually like the characters Nick and Amy. Nick is a chameleon, attempting to adapt to people and make them like him. He is a blank canvas waiting to be painted. Amy is also a pretender, but she lives to paint the canvas that is another person. You can see how they fit together.

Losing their jobs and then money problems shatters their game of paint by the numbers. They fall into marriage problem clichés. Though, Amy's action is definitely not a cliché. Let's just say their marriage is on the outs.

At the beginning of Gone Girl, and at the end, Nick asks himself the same questions about his wife: “What are you thinking? How are you feeling? Who are you? What have we done to each other?  What will we do?”  In part he asks because she is hard to read, but as a chameleon, looking to please others is his basis of operation. Nick pretends to be what others want.

Amy the pretender: "I was pretending, the way I often did, pretending to have a personality. I can't help it; it's what I have always done." While you could argue Nick is a good-natured oaf, Amy is pure Black Widow Spider. She has no qualms about tying you up and hanging you out to dry.

Amy and Nick pretended and they were happy together. But, "it's not a compromise if only one of you considers it such." What is pretending except a form of compromise, or even capitulation? One stopped pretending, then the other, to disastrous results. And then they begin to pretend again.

Nick pretends so as save his own neck, and to save any child of Amy's from Amy.

Amy pretends so she can consume, like a Venus fly trap. "I'll turn to face him and press myself against him. I'll hold myself to him like a climbing coiling vine until I have invaded every part of him and make him mine."

In the end Nick realizes there are no answers to his questions. He simply accepts his fate as a canvas being painted by Amy. "I can feel her changing me again ... I can't imagine my story without Amy. She is forever my antagonist."

As for Amy, she has exactly what she wants. "He is learning to love me unconditionally, under all my conditions."

Much earlier in the book Nick laments, “It seemed to me that there was nothing new to be discovered ever again. We were the first human beings who would never see anything for the first time. We stare at wonders of the world, dull-eyed, underwhelmed. Mona Lisa, the Pyramids, the Empire State Building. Jungle animals on attack, ancient icebergs collapsing, volcanoes erupting. I can’t recall a single amazing thing I have seen firsthand that I didn’t immediately reference to a movie or TV show. A fucking commercial. You know the awful singsong of the blasé: Seeeen it. I’ve literally seen it all, and the worst thing, the thing that makes me want to blow my brains out, is: The secondhand experience is always better. The image is crisper, the view is keener, the camera angle and soundtrack manipulate my emotions in a way reality can’t anymore.”

This is our modern state of existence. Our lives cannot compete with the lives portrayed in movies and TV. Our lives cannot compete with the perceived excitement of celebrities, packaged and fed to us by the media.  And neither can our relationships. Real life romance pales in comparison. Real life sex is dull and boring. 

What do we do? We pretend. If you pretend long enough then it might just feel real.

 

 

 

Two in the Bush

Let me tell you a story. I am not sure if I mentioned this previously, I think I have, but I am lazy and do not want to look through my previous posts.

Once upon a time I was doing me some online dating. eHarmony, I believe it was. As was usually the case I was making progress with not just one “match,” but two. Whenever I have been on any internet dating site I get ignored, ignored, ignored, and then, boom, two woman show interest at the same time and all of sudden I have a choice, or at least feel like I have to choose, at some point.

Anyhow. There were these two women, see. I call then Nearby Girl and Hour Away Girl. Nearby Girl lived, you know, nearby. Hour Away Girl lived across town, essentially an hour away. Online, texting, phone, and meeting went very well with both Nearby Girl and Hour Away Girl. But, of course, within the same span of time! The question is, how long could I see them both before I felt compelled to choose. The answer: not very long.

I decided to go with Nearby Girl. I was incapable of stringing along Hour Away Girl, so I simply told I her, “Sorry, but I am going to go with Nearby Girl.” Then, next time I see Nearby Girl she does the courageous and correct thing. She tells me she has herpes. Okay. Next day I spend lots of time reading about herpes (Nice browser history, bro!). Sorry, Nearby Girl, but I am just gonna have to bail.

Do you believe things happen for a reason? I am not so sure I do. But it is fun to contemplate, and discuss, so let’s just say maybe things do happen for a reason.

 

I was not supposed to be with Hour Away Girl. The reason is not clear, but I am sure it would have been disastrous. If my only prospect was Hour Away Girl, then I would have kept at it longer. Along comes Nearby Girl, whose purpose was to keep me from getting together with Hour Away Girl. But I am not supposed to get together with Nearby Girl either. So, she had herpes.

Let me tell you a second story.

Another upon a time I was not doing any internet dating. However, I did have a prospect. Let’s call her Flower Girl. Things were progressing very nicely with Flower Girl. In the middle of it all I was contacted by the proverbial old flame. Let’s call her Rain Girl.

Rain Girl reached out and said she wanted to catch up, but also remain in touch; more continuous and consistent contact. I was not comfortable with this. I did want to be seeing Flower Girl while at the same time keeping in touch with Rain Girl. So, I told Rain Girl that it was nice to catch up, but have a nice life. And then Flower Girl bails on me.

Do you believe things happen for a reason?

I was not supposed to rekindle anything whatsoever with Rain Girl. So, Flower Girl comes along to keep that from happening. Her work done, Flower Girl could thus return to previously scheduled activities.

Voila!

Am I a victim of fate? Or am I a benefactor of fate? Perhaps I am just a loser? Maybe I have no idea what I am doing?

 

 

 

 

 

Rape Culture, Slut-shaming, and the Blame Game

America is a blame culture. We obsess over assigning blame for situations that really have no one to blame. We direct blame not based on the facts but based on our prejudices, our politics, and our selfishness. Anyone who does not subscribe to your exact point of view is not-you, and thus, them, and so, are to blame.

Take the current discussion on rape, rape culture, and slut-shaming. There are two sides, on the same side.  One group is comprised of those who wish to protect women through punishment of those who commit sexual assaults, and to promote an attitude adjustment in men (and boys) about sexual boundaries and consent. The second group are those who wish to protect women by making them more aware of how they can protect themselves, and minimize risk. Both groups want the same thing: the elimination of sexual assaults. Both groups are correct. They are in fact one group.

There is another blame game and it is arbitrated by insurance companies; automobile insurance companies. I was once involved in a traffic accident and by the time I arrived home to report it to my insurance company the wife of the other driver had already called my insurance company telling them it was my fault, and she wasn’t even at the scene! Auto insurance companies are in the middle of a blame game, and for them punishment and restitution are important, but prevention just as much so. 

The concept of defensive driving is quite simple. Avoid being the victim of someone else’s reckless driving. Learn to recognize situations and circumstances that increase the risk of a vehicular collision, and drive in such a manner to mitigate the risks. You are certainly allowed to drive with confidence in all the locations in which you have the right of way, but that does not preclude someone hitting you. Defensive driving is about prevention, not blame.

I have a right to walk down the street. But I know, we all know, there are certain streets you don’t want to walk down. Even more so at night. Each and every one of us knows that if we walk down certain streets, or go to certain locations, we are increasing the risk that we will be mugged, assaulted, or even killed. Defensive living is to recognize the dangers and to adapt your behavior to lessen the risk of you being the victim of someone else’s violence. Yes, I have a right to walk down that street. Yes, I have a right to be here or there. But that doesn’t preclude someone hitting me. Defensive living is about prevention, not blame.

Anyone who suggests women should practice defensive living in order to reduce their risk of being sexually assaulted are instantly shouted down and ridiculed for blaming woman. They are accused of contributing to rape culture and slut-shaming. There are certainly those who think some victims of sexual assault are “getting what they ask for.” These people are insensitive, selfish, and cruel. But they do not invalidate the concept of defensive living.

Any sexual assault is never the fault of the victim. However, it is possible to reduce the likelihood of being sexually assaulted by recognizing the risks. Be aware of the situations and circumstances that increase the risk of sexual assault. Adapt your behavior. Practice defensive living. 

 

 

 

 

Share Hair Care

Let’s talk about hair.

Want to know why I am thinking about hair? I will tell you why. I recently found myself in the restroom at work pulling gray hairs outta my eyebrows … without tweezers. Why do gray eyebrow hairs grow longer than the darker hairs? Why do gray eyebrow hairs grow at angles different than the darker hairs? Must be some kinda curse; gray hairs working so hard to stand out. So. Let us visit some hair topics.

Wild, Wild Hair

I am generally not a hairy person. However, over the years the hair just keeps growing in previously barren patches of skin. The first indicator of my wild, wild hair was a visit to a hair stylist. (Don’t get excited. My version of a hair stylist it the 15 buck a cut version at places like Great Clips.) One time at the hair stylist she took the electric trimmers and ran it across my eyebrows. I didn’t have Gandalf the Gray bushy eyebrows, but she ran those trimmers across anyway. Then she ran the trimmer along edge of my ears! What! Along the edge of my ears?!

This was the beginning of the curse because then I started to get hairs in my eyebrows that were longer and standing out; the foundation of bushy sprouts. Then I would sometimes find a half-inch long hair growing out the edge of an ear. What. The. Fudge. Just sticking out, growing sideways, outta the edge of my ear. Random hairs began appearing along my shoulders and upper back. Now I got hair on my stomach. A few small patches on my lower back. Hair on my butt cheeks! (No 80’s version of Mel Gibson’s ass for me.) More hair growing outta my ears, and outta my nose.

Hair, hair everywhere! Which leads us to ….

 

Manscaping

Many months ago I popped into a bar/restaurant for food a few drinks. For reasons beyond my reckoning a table of four women was paying attention to me. So I pulled up a stool and joined them. They immediately asked if I was familiar with the term “manscapping.” To which I replied, “I did me some manscapping earlier today.” Do I need to say more? Would you like to know the details of my manscaping? There really isn’t much to tell. This is mostly just a teaser topic. ☺

Am I supposed to remove my chest hair? Because when I lived in an apartment and would go to the pool, the men were all hairless. At the gym, etc, many men seem hairless. On TV and in the movies: most are hairless. What do they do? Shave it? (Sounds like an investment in time. Who wants the stubble?!) Get it waxed? (Again, time. And money) Laser hair removal? (How effective is that? Even more crazy time, and crazy money). I am a mammal. Mammals have hair.

 

Onset of Gray Hair

My very first gray hair was noticed by a college girlfriend. There was no real encroachment on that front until my 30’s.  I recall when my daughter, at an age around 5, drew a picture of me and she gave me gray hair. Gray chest hair creeps in. The aforementioned gray eyebrow hairs. Okay. Get ready for it. Here is comes. Then you get a visit from the Gray Pubic Hair Fairy. Yep. If there is any reason to embrace manscaping, this would be it. Now I have noticed a little patch of gray hairs on my left arm, near the wrist. The right arm? No such patch. The left arm? A fuzzy patch of gray. Whatever.

 

Women and Their Hair

We can’t have a discussion about hair and leave out the women folk! Woman color their hair, pluck their hair, shape their hair, and otherwise remove their hair. And I don’t want to have it any other way. Dainty eyebrows? Yes, please. No underarm hair? Yes, please. Smooth legs? Yes, please. Take care of that bikini line? Yes, please. You know where this is leading. And when it comes to that; hair, no hair, some hair, whatever hair, it is all good. Well, as long as there is no unkempt hair. You know what I mean? Hey, as long as she cares about her hairs.

 

So. Final word. Hair, no hair, it’s all good.

 

 

 

 

FRO Motivation

Sometimes before a yoga class the instructor will tell us to “set your intentions.” Concentrate on what you are going to do in, or get out of, this class. In other settings instructors have inquired about a particular pose on which you may be working. For quite some time when I was asked to set my intentions I interpreted this to mean that I was to be concentrating on a particular pose or two, or a certain aspect of poses, like foundation. Where was my focus? In the regular yoga class I attend there are 34 poses.

How many things do you have to do in a day? In a week? In a month? Do you “set your intentions” by concentrating on particular tasks? Which are the most important? This is the primary cause of stress: you focus on something particular, think about it often, worry about it, stress over it. It just one task in many, regardless of its relative importance. Between any moment and the moment of the impending important item there may any number of tasks for you to perform.

When I “set my intentions” for yoga class I set my intention for each pose. There is no one pose that deserves more attention. They are all important. For each pose I think about what I can do to make it better, to grow stronger, to increase balance and flexibility.

Sure, I have a list of things to do in any one day, week, month, year, or life. Each item on that list is important, otherwise why is it on the list?! What deserves the most attention is whatever I am doing now. Contentment is not dependent upon a few “important” tasks; concentrating on such will simply increase stress. Contentment is achieved by treating each task as important, releasing yourself from any other tasks while you work this one.

You may be facing deadlines, or an “important” event may be looming; regardless, whatever you are doing now is what is most important. Make your list, concentrate on the current item, then they will fall like dominoes.

What does FRO stand for? Well, it stands for Fro.