Thursday, May 16, 2013

Conduct Unbecoming

I am quite certain my application to become a member of the University Conduct Board will be rejected.


Please provide a response that is one paragraph long to each of the following prompts and attach your typed responses to your application:

What makes you interested in serving on the University Conduct Board?

Dirty laundry. Like my own little reality show. Well, not my show. Because it wouldn't be about me. I would get an opportunity to learn about the crazy-ass shit students do. The more salacious the better!! Then when I go out drinking I can use the cases as talking points, of course not revealing any student personal information, unless related to some (even local) celebrity. Nothing brings us together more than someone else's dirty laundry.

Describe the role you believe the University Conduct Board plays in the University Community.

The Conduct Board helps make school administrators feel all warm and fuzzy about how much they care about student welfare and personal growth, so they can convey an image other than greedy money-grubbing (as if there were any other kind). It also serves as proof in the pudding the university means serious business when it comes to putting someone on double-secret probation.

Explain your comfort level suspending or expelling a student.

If a student is truly warped or evil or cruel or hateful, then yeah, I would totally suspend or expel their ass. That would mean the laundry was especially dirty, and since suspension and especially expulsion are difficult to hide (even though it is part of a student's protected record), pretty much everyone will know! Can I drop the hammer? Yes I can.

Describe the previous experience you have that will assist you in serving on the University Conduct Board.

First off, I am a parent of two teenage children. So that pretty much gets me in right there. Additionally, I have a wealth of experience regarding university conduct. There was that one time I discharged a fire extinguisher in someone's dorm room. Or the many times we had toilet paper roll fights in the hallway that sometimes escalated into bottle-rockets. Or the time we had a "punch-a-thon" party on our floor. Or the time I was abducted at 3AM, blindfolded, ankles/wrists tied with duct tape, and taken out to the Swine Center and left in a pile of pig shit (mostly unwarranted). Or the time my room was searched for a BB or pellet gun (totally unwarranted). Then there was the time we reserved a university vehicle for a valid use but drove it all weekend, parking on the sidewalk just outside the dorm. Or the few times I filled an album cover (remember those? Like giant cardboard envelopes) with shaving cream and slipped the open end under a door and stomped on it so as to spray the room. Or maybe jamming a stack of pennies between a door and the door-jam so the resulting friction makes it very difficult to turn the door knob, effectively locking someone in their room. Maybe that one time it was below freezing and we dumped several 50 gallon trashcans full of water onto the quad and removed the front panel from the water fountain and used it as a sleigh, pulling each other around by a rope of neckties. Or the times I yelled obscenities out of the window, directed towards the lowly residents of adjacent dorms. Finally, there were the many times I played my stereo at high volume. Yeah, I have a bit of experience regarding university conduct.







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