7 Minute Footsteps

Life proceeds in 7 minute increments. Does everything you do take 7 Minutes? Of course not. Don't be silly. Think of the 7 minutes as footsteps; mental, intellectual, emotional footsteps. You are moving in a direction, one step at a time. Will you continue doing whatever you are doing? Or change directions?

Focus. Attention. Engagement. Think of these as making up the footsteps. Mentally. Intellectually. Emotionally. Every "7 minutes" you unconsciously decide if your focus will stay or shift, if your attention will hold or falter, if your engagement will remain or wane. Every "7 minutes."

Here is the point. The most important moment in your life, ever, is your current 7 Minutes. Doesn’t matter what you are doing. Sleeping, driving, sitting on the toilet. Your current moment is the only moment that matters. Sure, remember past moments. Sure, plan future moments. Do not become preoccupied with either. No matter what you are you doing, what you are doing is the most important moment of your life.

Stay focused on your current 7 Minutes.
Pay attention to your current 7 Minutes.
Remain engaged with your current 7 Minutes.

 

 

 

Love is Simple, the Rest is Tough

While I was working on my masters in Liberal Arts I took a theater class. The professor was great. Not just because of his experience, knowledge and passion about theater, but also because of the tangents he would take during class. One time he went off on love. His main argument was that no one can define love (certainly not a new idea). He spoke of how we “love” everything. I love those shoes. I love that movie. I love this restaurant. I love that TV show. I love this weather. I love that song. I love you. His complaint here is that we adulterate love by applying it to everything we like. He pointed out that any parent who ever abused or even murdered their own children contended all along they loved their children. Many may scoff at that notion, but who are we say whether they did, or did not? Just because we think the outcome is appalling?

I say this to you. We know exactly what love is. Anyone who says they love shoes or a movie knows exactly what love is. Love is not some complex unexplainable concept that can differ from person to person. Love is one simple thing: it means you care. That’s it. You care. And not necessarily in a good way, as evidenced by those who hurt the ones they love.

I care about those shoes. I care about that movie. I care about this restaurant. I care about that TV show. I care about this weather. I care about that song. I care about you.

Love is most definitely not all you need (with apologizes to John Lennon). Loving, or caring, is important, but it is only the start. In tandem with love is devotion, which results in committed, persistent behavior (of whatever nature). Love and devotion combine to form the foundation of behavior. Think of love as the spark and devotion as the fuel, and together you have the flame (how is that for cheesy analogies!!). Caring and devotion will motivate you to act, but your behavior might be good or bad. Other factors determine whether your behavior is actually loving and caring, and not mean and hurtful.

Love (to care for) and devotion are the foundation. Together they spur you into action. But what action? Will your behavior lift someone up, or break them down? Now we get to character. Your character determines whether your “flame” will be warm and nurturing, or burning and destructive. You can find combinations of the following in all people, and they determine how they use their love and devotion, and to what end. Selfish or unselfish? Kind or mean? Hold a grudge or forgiving? Compassionate or cruel? Generous or spiteful? Open-minded or closed-minded?

To hear someone say they love you is uplifting. But of more importance is their behavior toward you.

Ice Ice, Baby

Icebreakers. For several years now I have been responsible for icebreakers at department meetings. I am the icebreaker king! Course, we all know each other so these aren’t getting to know you icebreakers, more like lighten the mood icebreakers. I decided it was time to act on an idea of mine to play the game Don't Break the Ice as an icebreaker. Clever, right? You know it! Around 30 people at a meeting. Say 8 tables with 4 people at each, so I needed 8 games.

I was at Target near my house and took a look at the games and found 2 Don't Break the Ice. Cool. I am thinking hit 3 or 4 more Targets or Wal-marts and I got my 8 games. Do you think you know where this going?

There are two Wal-marts close to me, to the north and south. I visit both. Zero games. I head down to the Target at Parker and the Tollway. Nothing. I scoot over to the Wal-mart at Coit and Bush Tollway. Nada. Do you think you know where this going?

At about this time you may be thinking to yourself, "Damn, Fro, just order the things online. This is the 21st friggin' century, dude!" You are entirely missing the point. It is about the quest! The task! The adventure! I am kicking it old school! I am not even going to let my fingers do the walking! What is your quest? I seek 8 Don’t Break the Ice games, gatekeeper!

Monday. A day off. Martin Luther King, Jr Day and all. Let the quest continue!!

I head up to the Target at El Dorado. Nothing. As I drive out to the Target at Custer and 121 I am beginning to entertain the notion that I can’t find 8 games locally. In which case I will certainly have to order the damn things, which pushes playing the games to a later meeting. If this Target is dry, I say, then I just might give up. A quitter. Quest failure.

The Target at Custer and 121 had 1 game! I am emboldened! I am energized! The quest continues! Targets and Wal-Marts dot Central Expressway north of the Bush Tollway. It can be done!

The very next Target, in North Allen, has 2 games. YES! And there is a Toys R Us in the area (I thought they were closing down stores.) However, the Toys R Us does not open for 25 minutes. I am not waiting around.

I go too far down Central Expressway and decide to cut over to the Target in the middle of Richardson. Along the way I pass a Wal-Mart. Nothing. And the Richardson Target? Nothing. I work my way back up Central, the Target at Parker. Score 1 game!

I keep heading back up Central, back towards the Toys R Us that opens at 10. I hit the Wal-Mart at Spring Creek. Zilch. I hit a Target in south Allen. Zilch.

Whatever Toys R Us has or doesn’t have, I am heading home afterward. The son and I are going to the movies at noon. I enter the Toys R Us. The game section is easy to find at Wal-Mart and Target. Just one aisle, or along one wall. But upon entering Toys R Us I know that things could be spread out. I do the unthinkable. I ask for help. The woman takes me to a section, similar games are there, the games I have found at each of the other stores (Cooties, Ants in the Pants, Don’t Spill the Beans). THERE IS NO DON’T BREAK THE ICE!! What? Toys R Us, you have let me down!!

Wait, she says. There will be more over here, she says. What? I say. Around the corner and down another aisle there are at least 10 Cooties games. The woman pulls them out, and hidden behind them are Don’t Break the Ice!. I grab two.

Final count:

• 7 Targets yielded 6 games
• 1 Toys R Us yielded 2 games
• 5 Wal-marts yielded zero game. F you, Wal-mart!
• Mission accomplished. Quest complete. Level up.

 

First and Second Tattoo

Within 10 minutes of coming up with the idea for these two tattoos I wrote exactly the following:

On my right forearm I would get the knot, and on the left forearm the same rope but just straight. Ultimately they are about acceptance. Accepting myself for who and what I am, and accepting others for whoever and whatever they may be. In a sense the knot is No Agenda, and the straight rope is No Timeline. The knot is how we often perceive life: a knot that has to be tied or untied in order to feel ecstasy, or joy, bliss, or contentment. We make our lives complex and complicated. But experiencing ecstasy, joy, bliss, and contentment is simple, as long as you don't judge yourself or judge others. Just be. Live in the now. Accept. Don't tie knots, be the straight rope.

Five months ago in August I adopted the mantra No Agenda, No Timeline. There was a discussion involving expectations and since I believe anger, frustration, and depression derive from the difference between expectations and reality, I try not to have expectations. To convey this during the discussion I said no agenda, no timeline. Don't force it. Don't box yourself in with preconceived notions. Go with the dynamic. Let all of your relationships grow out of sharing over time. No Agenda, No Timeline.

In September I read a book called The Four Agreements. As a result I created four agreements with myself. Two of them are extensions of No Agenda, No Timeline.

• I will recognize who someone is, what place they have in my life, accept them and their role in my life, treat them accordingly, and know that they might change and if so I will change my attitude with them.

• I will make peace with who and what I am, know and understand what motivates me, and live within those motivations.

For several months I worked to ingrain these concepts into my life and into my being. It wasn't quick and easy. I had to keep reminding myself, keep working at it. I am still working at it, and still reminding myself. I probably always will be. For several months these concepts percolated.

A few weeks ago I was reading an article and this picture of knots was used as a graphic. The article was not about the knots, they were not even mentioned. I searched for the source of the image. Was it from a philosophy? Used to explain some concept or lesson? Seems to simply have been created by a graphic artist.

One week ago I was lying in bed on a lazy Sunday morning, staring at the ceiling and contemplating life. All of these elements swirled together in my thoughts and the idea of the straight, untied rope in juxtaposition to the knotted rope floated into my mind. Symbols for my first and second tattoos.

We make knots in ourselves and our lives. We erroneously believe we have to untie knots in order to experience joy or contentment.

There is no knot.

 

 

 

 

 

Give, Essentially

I was reading an article, a movie review actually, but that is not important right now. The writer was making reference to character motivation and said that everyone was seeking the emotional essentials: love, sex, conversation, and compliments. This is an interesting short list. Conversation and compliments?

 

My first thought was Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Let's dust that off, shall we?

 

• Physiological needs (Breathing, food, water, sex, sleep, homeostasis, excretion)
• Safety needs (Security of body, of employment, of resources, of morality, of the family, of health, or property)
• Love and belonging (Friendship, family, sexual intimacy)
• Esteem (Self-esteem, confidence, achievement, respect of others, respect by others)
• Self-actualization (Morality, creativity, spontaneity, problem solving, lack of prejudice, acceptance of facts)

 

Emotional essentials are more advanced, so we can skip the first two, physiological and safety. The assumption being that if these first two are not being met then you have no time to ponder your lack of the emotional essentials. Convenient that sex appears as both a base physiological essential and part of the higher need to feel loved and wanted. I guess the point might be that masturbation could satisfy the base physiological need for sex, but not the higher need of feeling love and belonging.

 

We also can skip self-actualization since that is an intellectual essential, and not emotional. But what about esteem? Is esteem an emotional essential? I say no. Esteem is an individual essential.

 

Comparing love, sex, conversation, and compliments to love and belonging (friendship, family, sexual intimacy), I would have to admit that the writer was spot on. Those are the emotional essentials form Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.

 

I did some searching. You know, Google. And from a marriage/relationship site I get the following emotional essentials:

 

• Affection
• Sexual Fulfillment
• Conversation
• Recreational Companionship
• Honesty and Openness
• Physical Attractiveness
• Financial Support
• Domestic Support
• Family Commitment
• Admiration

 

Straight off we can match the following with the writer's short list: affection, sexual fulfillment, conversation, and admiration.

Recreational Companionship? Someone to do stuff with, right? Emotional? No. Essential? For some, maybe, but not for all, so not essential.

Honesty and Openness? Emotional? No. Essential? For a relationship, yes.

Physical Attractiveness? Whose? The person? Or people in that person's world?

Financial and Domestic Support? At best, these tie back to the base physiological needs.

Family Commitment? What does this even mean? Just having a family? Sacrificing for the good of the family? Who gets to decide what is good?

 

So. That marriage/relationship site has some advice it wants to convey and included them in a list of emotional essentials. But they do have items that match the writer's short list: love, sex, conversation, and compliments

 

On a psychology-type site I found the following top ten emotional essentials. One quick look and they already seem more genuine than the list from the marriage site.

 

• Security — safe territory and an environment which allows us to develop fully
• Attention (to give and receive it) — a form of nutrition
• Sense of autonomy and control — having volition to make responsible choices
• Being emotionally connected to others
• Feeling part of a wider community
• Friendship, intimacy — to know that at least one other person accepts us totally for who we are, “warts ‘n’ all”
• Privacy — opportunity to reflect and consolidate experience
• Sense of status within social groupings
• Sense of competence and achievement
• Having meaning and purpose — which comes from being stretched in what we do and think.

 

These are the ones that qualify as an emotional need: attention, connected to others, friendship, and intimacy.

 

Okay. We now have an expanded list of emotional needs:

 

• love
• sexual fulfillment
• conversation
• compliments
• affection
• admiration
• attention
• connected to others
• friendship
• intimacy

 

Although these are considered "needs" I submit to you, I challenge you, that they are actually what you should be giving to others, as appropriate for each relationship, and to your romantic partner, give ALL of them.

 

 

 

 

 

Heart and Seek

I used to think "my type" of woman wears her heart on her sleeve. In part because I am not aggressive and it seemed like a good yin/yang kinda thing. I confess I was once not very expressive and so a woman with her heart on her sleeve made it easier on me. Having relationships with only heart-on-their-sleeves women has allowed me to be lazy and kept me from learning much needed relationship skills.

 

Being in a relationship with a woman who wears her heart on her sleeve is no walk in the park. You learn to read emotional queues that lead up to emotional outbursts, both good and bad. Body language, facial expressions, tone of voice. You more easily recognize subtle emotional signs, because quite frankly you've become conditioned, like Pavlov’s dog! This is a valuable skill when you find yourself in a relationship with a more reserved woman. Her emotional expressions will be more subtle, and you will be able to read them.

 

If like me you tend towards women who wear their hearts on their sleeves, then you may at first find yourself befuddled by a woman who does not. This is where the lazy part comes in. Expressive women do most of the relationship work for you. From the get-go they share, share, share. You know what they are thinking and what they are feeling. You know what they like and don't like. This might put you on the defensive, to slow things down. You take that same approach with a less expressive woman and you will become two ends that never meet.

 

If you are unable to adapt, if you find yourself courting a less expressive woman and you cannot overcome your relationship laziness, then you are handicapped and limited. Depriving yourself of being more well-rounded and complete. Depriving yourself of becoming a fully actualized emotional being, able to be the yin and/or the yang, as needed.

 

When you are with a woman who wears her heart on her sleeve then you push back in order to find some common ground in the middle. When you are with a less expressive woman then you pull in order to bring her into the middle common ground. Just don't pull too hard, and you know, be patient.

 

Here is my thinking on courting a less expressive woman.

 

• Patience: things move more slowly. Wait.
• Prompting: you are going to have start conversations. You will have to lead at times.
• Sharing as a prompt: do not always just ask questions, this becomes an interrogation. Share and express yourself, and give her the opportunity to reciprocate.
• Know what you want: you cannot be fickle and inconsistent.
• Determination: prompting and sharing may not result in good communication. Stick with it.
• Acceptance: you are operating from your expectations, but the end result will be different.
• Be vulnerable: the risk is worth it. Put yourself out there.
• Give her some space: show interest without being demanding.

No agenda. No timeline.

 

 

 

Share. Relate. Connect.

“We're a pack of strays, don't you get it?” So says Steve Zissou himself in the movie The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. Wes Anderson movies are routinely populated with strays and misfits. And in every instance they seek the same thing: connection. This is no less true for the three brothers in The Darjeerling Limited. Francis, Jack, and Peter reunite a year after the death of their father, and they seek connection with each other and their parents, including the dead one.

Then end result of this post is that I will talk about one component of my relationship philosophy by sharing what I once used to include in my online dating profiles (back when I was participating), which is:  Share. Relate Connect.

How have I arrived at this post? Let’s take a look.

I was watching The Darjeerling Limited. The three brothers seek to re-connect, or perhaps to truly connect for the first time. Their parents are remote and distant, even when they are physically near (I am jumping to conclusions on the father). This reminded me in some ways of my own family, which made me sad.

I thought, “I am going to breakdown this movie, find all the themes related to connection and blog something.” But what I wrote was dry and impersonal. Then there were several iterations, none of which felt satisfactory. Contrast and compare different Wes Anderson movies. Get into my family history. Reveal to much nitty-gritty of my own history.

After watching the movie The Skeleton Twins with my son I was reminded of something I have previously told my kids (numerous times, I thought), and hoped he would remember. He did not. I asked, “if you have to define in one word what “relationship” means, what word would you choose?” The answer is: Sharing.

Then I watched Fantastic Mr. Fox, which does not follow the common themes of most Wes Anderson movies. But, as in just about any movie or story ever, there are elements of connection. But it got me thinking about it in a more general way. Finally, I was driving to work and I thought about the old online dating tagline: Share. Relate. Connect.

A relationship is simply sharing. You share your time, share your thoughts, share your feelings, and in a romantic relationship you share your body, too. Relationships begin and continue to thrive because both participants share. Relationships fail simply because one, or both, cease to share.

The crux of any lasting relationship is shared experiences. You can share information and feelings all you want, but true meaning derives from spending time together and doing things together. And so, at some point in the past while mulling over what to put into an online dating profile I thought up:  Share. Relate. Connect.

Share yourself and do things together.
Relate to what the other shares and does.
Connect because you both enjoy.

So, let us return to the beginning. The Darjeerling Limited. As the brothers reunite they agree to go on a spiritual journey together, to accompany their train ride across India. Yet, they continue to keep secrets, and to play one brother off the other. They are not sharing. They continue on together, doing activities together. The secrets are exposed. They settle conflicts and disagreements. They stick together. Through mutual hardships and experiences the brothers finally begin to share. They relate. They connect.