First and Second Tattoo

Within 10 minutes of coming up with the idea for these two tattoos I wrote exactly the following:

On my right forearm I would get the knot, and on the left forearm the same rope but just straight. Ultimately they are about acceptance. Accepting myself for who and what I am, and accepting others for whoever and whatever they may be. In a sense the knot is No Agenda, and the straight rope is No Timeline. The knot is how we often perceive life: a knot that has to be tied or untied in order to feel ecstasy, or joy, bliss, or contentment. We make our lives complex and complicated. But experiencing ecstasy, joy, bliss, and contentment is simple, as long as you don't judge yourself or judge others. Just be. Live in the now. Accept. Don't tie knots, be the straight rope.

Five months ago in August I adopted the mantra No Agenda, No Timeline. There was a discussion involving expectations and since I believe anger, frustration, and depression derive from the difference between expectations and reality, I try not to have expectations. To convey this during the discussion I said no agenda, no timeline. Don't force it. Don't box yourself in with preconceived notions. Go with the dynamic. Let all of your relationships grow out of sharing over time. No Agenda, No Timeline.

In September I read a book called The Four Agreements. As a result I created four agreements with myself. Two of them are extensions of No Agenda, No Timeline.

• I will recognize who someone is, what place they have in my life, accept them and their role in my life, treat them accordingly, and know that they might change and if so I will change my attitude with them.

• I will make peace with who and what I am, know and understand what motivates me, and live within those motivations.

For several months I worked to ingrain these concepts into my life and into my being. It wasn't quick and easy. I had to keep reminding myself, keep working at it. I am still working at it, and still reminding myself. I probably always will be. For several months these concepts percolated.

A few weeks ago I was reading an article and this picture of knots was used as a graphic. The article was not about the knots, they were not even mentioned. I searched for the source of the image. Was it from a philosophy? Used to explain some concept or lesson? Seems to simply have been created by a graphic artist.

One week ago I was lying in bed on a lazy Sunday morning, staring at the ceiling and contemplating life. All of these elements swirled together in my thoughts and the idea of the straight, untied rope in juxtaposition to the knotted rope floated into my mind. Symbols for my first and second tattoos.

We make knots in ourselves and our lives. We erroneously believe we have to untie knots in order to experience joy or contentment.

There is no knot.

 

 

 

 

 

Give, Essentially

I was reading an article, a movie review actually, but that is not important right now. The writer was making reference to character motivation and said that everyone was seeking the emotional essentials: love, sex, conversation, and compliments. This is an interesting short list. Conversation and compliments?

 

My first thought was Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Let's dust that off, shall we?

 

• Physiological needs (Breathing, food, water, sex, sleep, homeostasis, excretion)
• Safety needs (Security of body, of employment, of resources, of morality, of the family, of health, or property)
• Love and belonging (Friendship, family, sexual intimacy)
• Esteem (Self-esteem, confidence, achievement, respect of others, respect by others)
• Self-actualization (Morality, creativity, spontaneity, problem solving, lack of prejudice, acceptance of facts)

 

Emotional essentials are more advanced, so we can skip the first two, physiological and safety. The assumption being that if these first two are not being met then you have no time to ponder your lack of the emotional essentials. Convenient that sex appears as both a base physiological essential and part of the higher need to feel loved and wanted. I guess the point might be that masturbation could satisfy the base physiological need for sex, but not the higher need of feeling love and belonging.

 

We also can skip self-actualization since that is an intellectual essential, and not emotional. But what about esteem? Is esteem an emotional essential? I say no. Esteem is an individual essential.

 

Comparing love, sex, conversation, and compliments to love and belonging (friendship, family, sexual intimacy), I would have to admit that the writer was spot on. Those are the emotional essentials form Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.

 

I did some searching. You know, Google. And from a marriage/relationship site I get the following emotional essentials:

 

• Affection
• Sexual Fulfillment
• Conversation
• Recreational Companionship
• Honesty and Openness
• Physical Attractiveness
• Financial Support
• Domestic Support
• Family Commitment
• Admiration

 

Straight off we can match the following with the writer's short list: affection, sexual fulfillment, conversation, and admiration.

Recreational Companionship? Someone to do stuff with, right? Emotional? No. Essential? For some, maybe, but not for all, so not essential.

Honesty and Openness? Emotional? No. Essential? For a relationship, yes.

Physical Attractiveness? Whose? The person? Or people in that person's world?

Financial and Domestic Support? At best, these tie back to the base physiological needs.

Family Commitment? What does this even mean? Just having a family? Sacrificing for the good of the family? Who gets to decide what is good?

 

So. That marriage/relationship site has some advice it wants to convey and included them in a list of emotional essentials. But they do have items that match the writer's short list: love, sex, conversation, and compliments

 

On a psychology-type site I found the following top ten emotional essentials. One quick look and they already seem more genuine than the list from the marriage site.

 

• Security — safe territory and an environment which allows us to develop fully
• Attention (to give and receive it) — a form of nutrition
• Sense of autonomy and control — having volition to make responsible choices
• Being emotionally connected to others
• Feeling part of a wider community
• Friendship, intimacy — to know that at least one other person accepts us totally for who we are, “warts ‘n’ all”
• Privacy — opportunity to reflect and consolidate experience
• Sense of status within social groupings
• Sense of competence and achievement
• Having meaning and purpose — which comes from being stretched in what we do and think.

 

These are the ones that qualify as an emotional need: attention, connected to others, friendship, and intimacy.

 

Okay. We now have an expanded list of emotional needs:

 

• love
• sexual fulfillment
• conversation
• compliments
• affection
• admiration
• attention
• connected to others
• friendship
• intimacy

 

Although these are considered "needs" I submit to you, I challenge you, that they are actually what you should be giving to others, as appropriate for each relationship, and to your romantic partner, give ALL of them.

 

 

 

 

 

Heart and Seek

I used to think "my type" of woman wears her heart on her sleeve. In part because I am not aggressive and it seemed like a good yin/yang kinda thing. I confess I was once not very expressive and so a woman with her heart on her sleeve made it easier on me. Having relationships with only heart-on-their-sleeves women has allowed me to be lazy and kept me from learning much needed relationship skills.

 

Being in a relationship with a woman who wears her heart on her sleeve is no walk in the park. You learn to read emotional queues that lead up to emotional outbursts, both good and bad. Body language, facial expressions, tone of voice. You more easily recognize subtle emotional signs, because quite frankly you've become conditioned, like Pavlov’s dog! This is a valuable skill when you find yourself in a relationship with a more reserved woman. Her emotional expressions will be more subtle, and you will be able to read them.

 

If like me you tend towards women who wear their hearts on their sleeves, then you may at first find yourself befuddled by a woman who does not. This is where the lazy part comes in. Expressive women do most of the relationship work for you. From the get-go they share, share, share. You know what they are thinking and what they are feeling. You know what they like and don't like. This might put you on the defensive, to slow things down. You take that same approach with a less expressive woman and you will become two ends that never meet.

 

If you are unable to adapt, if you find yourself courting a less expressive woman and you cannot overcome your relationship laziness, then you are handicapped and limited. Depriving yourself of being more well-rounded and complete. Depriving yourself of becoming a fully actualized emotional being, able to be the yin and/or the yang, as needed.

 

When you are with a woman who wears her heart on her sleeve then you push back in order to find some common ground in the middle. When you are with a less expressive woman then you pull in order to bring her into the middle common ground. Just don't pull too hard, and you know, be patient.

 

Here is my thinking on courting a less expressive woman.

 

• Patience: things move more slowly. Wait.
• Prompting: you are going to have start conversations. You will have to lead at times.
• Sharing as a prompt: do not always just ask questions, this becomes an interrogation. Share and express yourself, and give her the opportunity to reciprocate.
• Know what you want: you cannot be fickle and inconsistent.
• Determination: prompting and sharing may not result in good communication. Stick with it.
• Acceptance: you are operating from your expectations, but the end result will be different.
• Be vulnerable: the risk is worth it. Put yourself out there.
• Give her some space: show interest without being demanding.

No agenda. No timeline.

 

 

 

Share. Relate. Connect.

“We're a pack of strays, don't you get it?” So says Steve Zissou himself in the movie The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. Wes Anderson movies are routinely populated with strays and misfits. And in every instance they seek the same thing: connection. This is no less true for the three brothers in The Darjeerling Limited. Francis, Jack, and Peter reunite a year after the death of their father, and they seek connection with each other and their parents, including the dead one.

Then end result of this post is that I will talk about one component of my relationship philosophy by sharing what I once used to include in my online dating profiles (back when I was participating), which is:  Share. Relate Connect.

How have I arrived at this post? Let’s take a look.

I was watching The Darjeerling Limited. The three brothers seek to re-connect, or perhaps to truly connect for the first time. Their parents are remote and distant, even when they are physically near (I am jumping to conclusions on the father). This reminded me in some ways of my own family, which made me sad.

I thought, “I am going to breakdown this movie, find all the themes related to connection and blog something.” But what I wrote was dry and impersonal. Then there were several iterations, none of which felt satisfactory. Contrast and compare different Wes Anderson movies. Get into my family history. Reveal to much nitty-gritty of my own history.

After watching the movie The Skeleton Twins with my son I was reminded of something I have previously told my kids (numerous times, I thought), and hoped he would remember. He did not. I asked, “if you have to define in one word what “relationship” means, what word would you choose?” The answer is: Sharing.

Then I watched Fantastic Mr. Fox, which does not follow the common themes of most Wes Anderson movies. But, as in just about any movie or story ever, there are elements of connection. But it got me thinking about it in a more general way. Finally, I was driving to work and I thought about the old online dating tagline: Share. Relate. Connect.

A relationship is simply sharing. You share your time, share your thoughts, share your feelings, and in a romantic relationship you share your body, too. Relationships begin and continue to thrive because both participants share. Relationships fail simply because one, or both, cease to share.

The crux of any lasting relationship is shared experiences. You can share information and feelings all you want, but true meaning derives from spending time together and doing things together. And so, at some point in the past while mulling over what to put into an online dating profile I thought up:  Share. Relate. Connect.

Share yourself and do things together.
Relate to what the other shares and does.
Connect because you both enjoy.

So, let us return to the beginning. The Darjeerling Limited. As the brothers reunite they agree to go on a spiritual journey together, to accompany their train ride across India. Yet, they continue to keep secrets, and to play one brother off the other. They are not sharing. They continue on together, doing activities together. The secrets are exposed. They settle conflicts and disagreements. They stick together. Through mutual hardships and experiences the brothers finally begin to share. They relate. They connect.

Let’s Get Naked

Over the past several months I have spoken to four different people who profess a propensity for being naked around their home. Doing what they normally do, just naked. Oh really? So. I decided to check it out. An experiment. Some exploration. Hey! I like to try to new things! Test and expand my boundaries. I spent some evenings naked at my house.

First Thought
What if the sound of the garage door announces an unexpected visit from one of my kids? Am I to sprint upstairs to cover my birthday suit? What if someone knocks on the door? Am I to hide quietly until they leave? No, on both counts. I kept shorts and a shirt downstairs and at the ready for any needed cover up.

Second Thought
Do I sit on the furniture? If I told you I sit on my couch naked all the time are you going to want to sit on my couch? I set down a towel, for your peace of mind.

Conclusions:
Generally, I like being naked. I think it has increased my body awareness and acceptance. Most people only see themselves naked in the mirror, if at all! Catching my nakedness in my peripheral vision did take some getting used to – like when I was reading a book and could see my naked self stretched out beneath the book. But a few minutes later I didn’t even notice. I see my body and I say, “this is my body as it is today and I accept it.”

I am not much for just sitting around naked. Reading a book. Watching TV or a movie. On the computer. In those instances I am indifferent to being naked.

However, I rather enjoyed doing household chores naked. Being active naked. Cleaning the dishes and kitchen. Vacuum. Dust. Clean the bathrooms. Laundry. You may not like this image, but squatting naked was particularly enjoyable. Really. I am totally serious. Putting pans in that lower cabinet, for example, or picking things up off the floor. Squatting naked! It was very liberating to be loose and free, and invigorating to get a bit of fresh air to parts of the body that don’t normally get much fresh air.

And don’t forget naked yoga. Yeah, I did not some naked yoga poses in the privacy of my own home. All sorts of naked squats and legs in the air and good airflow!

Is this my new thing? Not really. Am I now a card carrying nudist? Certainly not. But if I take a bit longer to answer the door it just may be because I am slipping on some shorts and a shirt, for your peace of mind.

 

 

Dating Stories

I am not much of a dater. I can go months or even years without going on a date. William Faulkner and I have something in common, we both like to say that a thing cannot exist unless there is also a not-thing. A thing is defined by what contradicts it. William says it over the course of many books. I just kinda say it. If I am going to be a non-dater, then I am going to have to define that through brief periods of dating. Thus … dating stories.

It begins at a bar. On a Tuesday night. About six weeks ago.

I arrive at the bar and must make a monumental decision: where to sit. Where you choose to sit can change your life, or not. The opposite side was empty but I decided to forego that and I sat directly next to a couple. Girl next to me, her date on the other side. I say her date because with very little eavesdropping it was clear they were on a first date, based on the questions he was asking her. They commented on the food I ordered. So that opened up some intermittent conversation. Next step was whenever he went to the restroom I would chat her up. Good banter. Her purse was hanging between us on a hook under the bar. I wrote my cell number on a business card, along with a joke to remind her who I was, and slipped it into her purse. And as they were leaving I told her about my card and she responded that maybe something good would come out of the night.

As I was sitting next to Business Card Girl and her date, a woman entered the bar and sat on the opposite side. She was wearing a sleek black dress, that is to say, overdressed for this bar, especially sitting alone, which she did until Business Card Girl left, and I went over and sat next to her. She had just come from a first date that had gone poorly. We got along well.

The next day I received a text from Business Card Girl and she and I scheduled a date. I also had a date with Black Dress Girl.

Black Dress Girl and I met at a wine bar. Business Card Girl and I met at a regular bar. Black Dress Girl and I moved to another bar. Business Card Girl and I ordered another beer. Got along great with both, but otherwise nothing remarkable. Black Dress Girl was more aggressive. Business Card Girl had prettier eyes.

The weekend in which my dating overflowith enters Yoga Girl. Know her from yoga but didn’t really meet her at yoga. She indirectly expressed interest in me. I messaged her, then we started texting, then we agreed to meet for a drink. She only had an hour before she had to pick up her daughter, but we hit it off well and scheduled a second, real date. The real date went even better, and I even loaned her season 1 of Game of Thrones (which actually belongs to my ex-wife, my kids brought the DVDs over years ago, and I still have it. Well, not at the moment.)

There I was. Three women. Previously, if I had such options I have always felt compelled to choose early. I have never allowed myself to just date. I made a conscious decision to force myself to not choose. Dude, go out a few times with each!

Business Card Girl went out of town, during which we texted some, then it dissipated. Did not see her again. Just wasn't that motivated.

Black Dress Girl remained aggressive and so things labored on longer with her. It was fickle and kinda dramatic. We saw each other four more times. But I am not motivated enough, and her aggressiveness only goes so far. Think we are done. But it wouldn't surprise me if she contacts me again.

Yoga Girl I liked the most. Just a few days after our real date she said she was just too busy to date. Demanding career. Active kids who required driving around. Family and friends. Did I believe her? Was I just getting the brush off? I told her to keep Game of Thrones. She could just return it one day when see each other at yoga. Weeks later she said she is ready to return the DVD’s but that she had not had time to watch any episodes. To which I replied I guess I could believe she actually was too busy to date!

After all that, but with Black Dress Girl still lingering, I met someone from Tinder. Whirlwind Girl. For about 10 days it was rocking and rolling. Lots of texting, which she always ended with “txt me whenever.” We meet for lunch. We plan a date. She meets a friend for lunch and casually says I can join if I want. I drive across town and crash lunch. We go out more. She says she wants to take it slow, slow, very slow (She means no sex. Just a hug, thank you. Otherwise it seemed to be going fast, fast, very fast). Fine with me, for now anyway. But still a whirlwind of activity with Whirlwind Girl. An established trend of heavy texting. And then it nearly stops. Maybe because she is out of town on business? Then it totally stops after her return. She had said she likes her space. She had said she is independent and values her alone time. All of that is fine with me, but if that means on and off, whirlwind and no wind. Then I am out, and it appears she is out as well.

This is how my dating life has been for 12 years. Nothing goes beyond a few dates. Either I am not interested, or they are not interested. Most times it just fades. Sometimes I say no thanks, and other times they no thanks.

I could go months without a date. I might meet someone tonight. Or in-between tonight and months. Or maybe never again.

 

 

 

 

 

Eureka!

Back in my 20's I attended an AA meeting (court mandated). Not sure if they all were college students but they were of that age. They were going on and on about success. I could only surmise the pressure to succeed is ultimately why they were at an AA meeting.
 

Success is a label placed onto you by others. That was my thought back then, comment withheld, and it is my thought now, comment being voiced.
 

That is to say, you cannot control whether or not you are a success. This is why we are always clamoring for attention. Social media, blogs, activists, write a book, make the news, be on TV, go viral, Facebook friends and likes and attention. You can't just live your life, someone has to notice you living your life.
 

How much attention you desire depends on whose recognition you need so you can feel as though your life is validated. Maybe you simply need one or a few people to notice. Perhaps a larger but still small circle of friends and colleagues. You might get by with wide recognition within the world of your profession, or chosen activities. Or you may require broad public attention (i.e. from strangers), your 15 minutes.
 

Attention is not enough. You are not guaranteed success. You may achieve only notoriety. So you attempt to control the message, control the information. You must be seen in a good light! All of us may not be running for office, but all of us are playing politics.
 

Is it truly possible to be yourself, and not sellout, and toil away in obscurity and still be a success? Of course not! Because success is a label placed onto you by others.