Let’s Get Naked

Over the past several months I have spoken to four different people who profess a propensity for being naked around their home. Doing what they normally do, just naked. Oh really? So. I decided to check it out. An experiment. Some exploration. Hey! I like to try to new things! Test and expand my boundaries. I spent some evenings naked at my house.

First Thought
What if the sound of the garage door announces an unexpected visit from one of my kids? Am I to sprint upstairs to cover my birthday suit? What if someone knocks on the door? Am I to hide quietly until they leave? No, on both counts. I kept shorts and a shirt downstairs and at the ready for any needed cover up.

Second Thought
Do I sit on the furniture? If I told you I sit on my couch naked all the time are you going to want to sit on my couch? I set down a towel, for your peace of mind.

Conclusions:
Generally, I like being naked. I think it has increased my body awareness and acceptance. Most people only see themselves naked in the mirror, if at all! Catching my nakedness in my peripheral vision did take some getting used to – like when I was reading a book and could see my naked self stretched out beneath the book. But a few minutes later I didn’t even notice. I see my body and I say, “this is my body as it is today and I accept it.”

I am not much for just sitting around naked. Reading a book. Watching TV or a movie. On the computer. In those instances I am indifferent to being naked.

However, I rather enjoyed doing household chores naked. Being active naked. Cleaning the dishes and kitchen. Vacuum. Dust. Clean the bathrooms. Laundry. You may not like this image, but squatting naked was particularly enjoyable. Really. I am totally serious. Putting pans in that lower cabinet, for example, or picking things up off the floor. Squatting naked! It was very liberating to be loose and free, and invigorating to get a bit of fresh air to parts of the body that don’t normally get much fresh air.

And don’t forget naked yoga. Yeah, I did not some naked yoga poses in the privacy of my own home. All sorts of naked squats and legs in the air and good airflow!

Is this my new thing? Not really. Am I now a card carrying nudist? Certainly not. But if I take a bit longer to answer the door it just may be because I am slipping on some shorts and a shirt, for your peace of mind.

 

 

Dating Stories

I am not much of a dater. I can go months or even years without going on a date. William Faulkner and I have something in common, we both like to say that a thing cannot exist unless there is also a not-thing. A thing is defined by what contradicts it. William says it over the course of many books. I just kinda say it. If I am going to be a non-dater, then I am going to have to define that through brief periods of dating. Thus … dating stories.

It begins at a bar. On a Tuesday night. About six weeks ago.

I arrive at the bar and must make a monumental decision: where to sit. Where you choose to sit can change your life, or not. The opposite side was empty but I decided to forego that and I sat directly next to a couple. Girl next to me, her date on the other side. I say her date because with very little eavesdropping it was clear they were on a first date, based on the questions he was asking her. They commented on the food I ordered. So that opened up some intermittent conversation. Next step was whenever he went to the restroom I would chat her up. Good banter. Her purse was hanging between us on a hook under the bar. I wrote my cell number on a business card, along with a joke to remind her who I was, and slipped it into her purse. And as they were leaving I told her about my card and she responded that maybe something good would come out of the night.

As I was sitting next to Business Card Girl and her date, a woman entered the bar and sat on the opposite side. She was wearing a sleek black dress, that is to say, overdressed for this bar, especially sitting alone, which she did until Business Card Girl left, and I went over and sat next to her. She had just come from a first date that had gone poorly. We got along well.

The next day I received a text from Business Card Girl and she and I scheduled a date. I also had a date with Black Dress Girl.

Black Dress Girl and I met at a wine bar. Business Card Girl and I met at a regular bar. Black Dress Girl and I moved to another bar. Business Card Girl and I ordered another beer. Got along great with both, but otherwise nothing remarkable. Black Dress Girl was more aggressive. Business Card Girl had prettier eyes.

The weekend in which my dating overflowith enters Yoga Girl. Know her from yoga but didn’t really meet her at yoga. She indirectly expressed interest in me. I messaged her, then we started texting, then we agreed to meet for a drink. She only had an hour before she had to pick up her daughter, but we hit it off well and scheduled a second, real date. The real date went even better, and I even loaned her season 1 of Game of Thrones (which actually belongs to my ex-wife, my kids brought the DVDs over years ago, and I still have it. Well, not at the moment.)

There I was. Three women. Previously, if I had such options I have always felt compelled to choose early. I have never allowed myself to just date. I made a conscious decision to force myself to not choose. Dude, go out a few times with each!

Business Card Girl went out of town, during which we texted some, then it dissipated. Did not see her again. Just wasn't that motivated.

Black Dress Girl remained aggressive and so things labored on longer with her. It was fickle and kinda dramatic. We saw each other four more times. But I am not motivated enough, and her aggressiveness only goes so far. Think we are done. But it wouldn't surprise me if she contacts me again.

Yoga Girl I liked the most. Just a few days after our real date she said she was just too busy to date. Demanding career. Active kids who required driving around. Family and friends. Did I believe her? Was I just getting the brush off? I told her to keep Game of Thrones. She could just return it one day when see each other at yoga. Weeks later she said she is ready to return the DVD’s but that she had not had time to watch any episodes. To which I replied I guess I could believe she actually was too busy to date!

After all that, but with Black Dress Girl still lingering, I met someone from Tinder. Whirlwind Girl. For about 10 days it was rocking and rolling. Lots of texting, which she always ended with “txt me whenever.” We meet for lunch. We plan a date. She meets a friend for lunch and casually says I can join if I want. I drive across town and crash lunch. We go out more. She says she wants to take it slow, slow, very slow (She means no sex. Just a hug, thank you. Otherwise it seemed to be going fast, fast, very fast). Fine with me, for now anyway. But still a whirlwind of activity with Whirlwind Girl. An established trend of heavy texting. And then it nearly stops. Maybe because she is out of town on business? Then it totally stops after her return. She had said she likes her space. She had said she is independent and values her alone time. All of that is fine with me, but if that means on and off, whirlwind and no wind. Then I am out, and it appears she is out as well.

This is how my dating life has been for 12 years. Nothing goes beyond a few dates. Either I am not interested, or they are not interested. Most times it just fades. Sometimes I say no thanks, and other times they no thanks.

I could go months without a date. I might meet someone tonight. Or in-between tonight and months. Or maybe never again.

 

 

 

 

 

Eureka!

Back in my 20's I attended an AA meeting (court mandated). Not sure if they all were college students but they were of that age. They were going on and on about success. I could only surmise the pressure to succeed is ultimately why they were at an AA meeting.
 

Success is a label placed onto you by others. That was my thought back then, comment withheld, and it is my thought now, comment being voiced.
 

That is to say, you cannot control whether or not you are a success. This is why we are always clamoring for attention. Social media, blogs, activists, write a book, make the news, be on TV, go viral, Facebook friends and likes and attention. You can't just live your life, someone has to notice you living your life.
 

How much attention you desire depends on whose recognition you need so you can feel as though your life is validated. Maybe you simply need one or a few people to notice. Perhaps a larger but still small circle of friends and colleagues. You might get by with wide recognition within the world of your profession, or chosen activities. Or you may require broad public attention (i.e. from strangers), your 15 minutes.
 

Attention is not enough. You are not guaranteed success. You may achieve only notoriety. So you attempt to control the message, control the information. You must be seen in a good light! All of us may not be running for office, but all of us are playing politics.
 

Is it truly possible to be yourself, and not sellout, and toil away in obscurity and still be a success? Of course not! Because success is a label placed onto you by others.

Under The Skin (a movie)

Let's just get this outta the way. Yes, in the movie Under The Skin you get to see Scarlett Johansson naked. Dark hair. A bit heavier than she appears in Captain America. She looks awesome. Let's move on.

 Apparently Scarlett's character's name is Laura, but I don't recall it ever being muttered, but the end credits say so. Laura is not from Earth, and her job is to lure men to a rundown abandoned house so their innards can be harvested. And when I say innards, I mean all that is left is their skins, like a molted reptile.

This is the first "under the skin," and it is very literal. The aliens value all that is under the skin of humans. I assume not just men, it's just easier to lure men than women.

The more Laura is among humans, the more outer differences she observes and then the more inner difference she becomes aware of. She begins to see humans for more than something to be harvested.

Her change in attitude culminates when she encounters a disfigured man. Many humans would find him revolting or make fun of him or simply shun him. Accepting his disfigured face (or perhaps not even recognizing it as disfigured) allows Laura to appreciate what is figuratively "under the skin" of humans. She does lure him to the alien trap, but then sets him free. And Laura begins to wander, no longer harvesting humans.

Laura may be adept at luring men to their doom, but she does not understand how to live amongst humans. A good Samaritan helps her out. However, she offers no conversation or details about herself and thus he cannot see "under her skin." He is polite and helpful but still tries to have sex with her. But she does not understand sex. She is almost robot-like as he attempts to seduce her, but not only is she mentally and emotionally incapable of sex, also physically. It goes nowhere and she leaves.

Laura makes her way to a secluded wood, where walking a path she encounters a man who gives her tips on the area. She falls asleep in a shelter and the man shows up and begins to assault her. She escapes into the wood. He catches her and attempts to rape her. But then her human body suit rips and he can see part of the alien beneath. He douses her with petrol and sets her on fire.

Story progression: Aliens value what is the under the skin of humans and kill them. One alien discovers what is truly under the skin of humans and can no longer kill them. Men see only a beautiful woman and care not what is under the skin, they just want to have sex with her. A man discovers the alien under the skin and kills the alien.

The skin, our outer selves, this is the packaging. And it is important. Your packaging reveals your lifestyle, it reflects the decisions, choices and events in your life. What is under the skin, this is also important. It reflects your motivations, and the thoughts and feelings you have about the decisions, choices, and events in your life.

 

 

 

 

Love Me Tinder

I decided to give Tinder a try. Have you not heard of Tinder? It is a dating app.  You know, on your phone. So simple. Profiles are comprised of a few pics and a very short profile. You set your preferences (be liberal, baby) and then you view profiles. Simply mark a profile as like or don’t like. Yes or no. Piece of cake! On some dating sites you can message whoever the hell the you want. Other sites tell you who you can message. On Tinder, if you say yes and she says yes then you get to trade messages  Easy!

Here is how I work it on Tinder. I view a pic. I ask myself, “if this pic were across the room at a social event would I want to talk to her?” My only expectation is to meet people. What better measure than if I would walk across a room to speak to her? Okay then. I load the App. I set my preferences, for distance and age. I see profiles. I start judging. One day later I get a hit. Exciting! Do you know what this means? This means I superficially judged a woman as “like” and she superficially judged me as “like.” Awesome!

Let me share with you the exchange. As a point of reference I am 48, she is 51. (are you judging already? Surely you would if I provided pictures).  She sends the first message.

Her:  Hello … Handsome …

What I am thinking: What is up with the dot, dot, dots? Let me think about it … you are handsome.

How I should respond: Hey there, beautiful

What I actually send:  Here I am trying to think of some clever first message, and you break the ice. What is up with you?

Her: So … What’s your story?

What I am thinking: more dot, dot, dots? Dramatic pause? Hesitancy?

How I should respond: Just a regular guy trying to find a woman to please.

What I actually send: Once upon a time. Yesterday, even , I was on central, southbound and exited at Northwest highway, heading west. So, I was on that cloverleaf ramp, pulling some G’s and I heard a brief rattle, and a screw fell from beneath the dash and hit my left foot. The end.

Her (3 hours later): Excellent Story …… U win …

What I am thinking: that is seven dots in row!

How I should respond: What is my prize?

What I actually send: That … is a true story … what is your story?

No more messages from her. How am I doing at this Tinder thing?

Tinder is the most honest and true dating app/site out there. Throughout the history of humanity how have people met? They see each other and decide to talk. At school, a party, a club, at church, wherever. You see someone and you decide you would like to meet that person. What do you know about them? Nothing. Just what you see.

 

What sucks about the other dating sites/apps? All the frigging details! All that frigging information! We think it helps but the exact opposite is true, it just gets in the way. First, it creates false intimacy; you think you know someone but you really have no idea. You fill in the blanks with your imagination, and if you do meet then your expectations rarely will be met. Second, it promotes laziness; we want to like someone before we meet them. Paradoxically, instead of looking for things we might like about a person, we look for what we don’t like.

I have gotten four matches so far. The one above. One whom I inadvertently swiped right (for like), and guess I will message some anyway. A third who has not yet responded to my message, perhaps she inadvertently swiped me to the right! And, of course, a spammer; where she/he/it asked me to contact her on KIK. Wait. Just added two more, and each is a real person. 

Feel the love on Tinder.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

50 Things

After reading 50 Things Every Man Should Realize on Wall Street Sanity, I would like to offer a comment on each.

1. If you always believe you’re the smartest guy in the room, you’ll never learn anything.

Not if you learn humility.

2. Figure out how you would be of value in a post-apocalyptic society.

How is this answer not always "learn to produce your own food."

3. Learn CPR, the Heimlich and basic first aid.

Done.

4. Sex is best when you treat it as a competition.

This seems like shit advice. A competition with whom? I believe this mindset leads to objectification.

5. Save money. Rainy days can come out of nowhere.

See number 6 below.

6. Spend money. You can’t take it with you.

See number 5 above. Whatever.

7. Hate to break it to you, but size DOES matter.

Everybody knows this. The question is, how much?

8. Be generous and open to criticism, especially in bed.

Only at number 8 on the list and already three references to sex!

9. Your wife/girlfriend is not your mother.

If only she would stop acting like one.

10. A strong work ethic is a good substitute for being smart.

I would say more important, even.

11. Handshake agreements aren’t worth the paper they’re printed on.

Are you a lawyer?

12. Don’t let your friends drift away, because they will if you let them.

But what if they are letting me drift away?

13. Time is your most valuable commodity. Don’t waste too much of it.

I believe only pessimists see time as an enemy.

14. If you’re not happy, stop what you’re doing and do something else. Right now.

Happiness is nothing more than a choice.

15. Keep your bathroom clean and your bed made if you want a woman to use either.

Don't I first have to get a woman to come over. (4th sex reference!)

16. Failure sucks, but it feels way better than not trying.

Too bad you see sex as a competition.

17. Always be confident. Never be cocky.

This is often in the eye of the beholder.

18. Remember people’s names.

But for how long?

19. Don’t be an asshole. Seriously. Just don’t.

You mean don’t be an asshole to you.

20. Choose your role models carefully.

I like what I like.

21. Keep your mind in shape. Do a crossword. Memorize a poem. Something like that.

Okay. I agree with this.

22. If you can’t drive a stick, parallel park or jump-start a car, I’m sorry, but you can’t call yourself a man.

Or? So I need to be able to do just one of these?

23. If you’re in couples’ therapy, it’s already over.

Clearly a pessimistic and short-sited view. Depends on why you are in therapy.

24. If making money is you’re only goal in life, you’ll never be happy because you’ll never have enough.

What if my goal is to be able to buy what I want?

25. Having a toolbox and knowing how to use what’s inside of it is pretty damn important.

Is this another sex reference?

26. Know how to tell a good story. If you can’t capture people’s attention, you’re just some dude in the background.

So ... don't be myself.

27. When you get wasted, you’re not as funny as you think you are.

Yeah, too bad I am wasted and don't care.

28. Do not give a single shit about what anybody thinks of you.

This invalidates most of the items on this list.

29. Quality trumps quantity every time.

Not for commodities.

30. Do at least 50 push-ups every day.

Is this the only exercise I need do?

31. Gentlemen are a dying breed. Be one and you’ll stand out.

Of course.

32. Don’t sleep with anyone you wouldn’t buy breakfast for the next day.

Assuming of course she accepts my bathroom and bed, such as they may be. (5th sex reference!)

33. Don’t tell her you’re going to call her unless you really are. It’s chicken-shit.

But what if I don't like her bathroom and bed, such as they are?

34. A daily compliment goes a long way.

How soon until it loses its value?

35. You can’t change the past. Let it go.

But I still live in it.

36. Prepare for the future but live in the present.

Not if I am living in the past.

37. If this is the longest thing you’ve read all week, that’s sad. Crack a book once in a while, idiot.

Do Craiglist's personal ads count?

38. If she’s has had more than three different dicks in her ass, she’s probably not marriage material.

Her ass is more important than her vagina or mouth? (6th sex reference!)

39. Own up to mistakes, even if you’re not the one who made them. Nobody likes or respects the guy who refuses to accept any blame.

Isn't this the problem with the entire American culture, society, business world, and political climate?

40. Learn how to change a tire and make sure to help anyone who can’t do it themselves.

So, help the elderly?

41. No one gives a shit about your religion. Whether you’re a devout fundamentalist or a staunch atheist, keep it to yourself.

Isn't this the problem with the entire American culture, society, business world, and political climate?

42. Reevaluate your goals every couple of years. What you want out of life changes constantly.

This is why some people have money as their goal.

43. Stop holding grudges. It accomplishes nothing.

I get this.

44. Control your impulses. But it’s okay to let a few get away from you.

There is no control, or willpower. People always do what they want.

45. Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. A real man can control his emotions.

This is more restrictive than controlling my impulses?

46. Burning bridges is one of the stupidest things you can do.

What if my gut tells me different?

47. Trust your gut, even if it’s steered you wrong in the past.

Sounds like a good reason not to trust.

48. Be honest in all your relationships. Liars suck.

But not if I am hiding my emotions?

49. If you know how to play guitar, it’s much easier to get laid.

Then can I have an unmade bed and a dirty bathroom? (7th sex reference!)

50. Relax. Whatever it is, it’s not that big a deal.

This renders the list moot. So ... 1 thing every man should realize.

 

 

 

I Think I Can. I Think I Can.

They say if you keep repeating something then you will come to believe it. Your behavior and attitude will change. This has worked for me before. Let’s try it again.

If I go out then nothing good will happen.

If I go out then nothing good will happen.

I say it because experience tells me it is true. I repeat it to break the urge to go out. Because nothing good happens when I go out.

When I go out I eat restaurant food, large portions of restaurant food. When I go out I drink beer, or other libations. At my age and metabolism this type of consumption does not do a body good. Nothing else happens. All I do is increase my risk factors.

Why do I go out? Why does anyone go out? For the social interaction, to meet people. The motivation being that you will "have fun." It seems we are ever in search of fun, especially so for the young. Like there is some equation you solve that results in fun.

 

What do I think will  occur when I go out? Empirical evidence leaves no doubt.

If I go out then nothing good will happen.

If I go out then nothing good will happen.

What sort of boring homebody will I become? The same boring homebody I already am, just without the expense and calories and futileness of going out.

If I go out then nothing good will happen.

If I go out then nothing good will happen.