Love Me Tinder

I decided to give Tinder a try. Have you not heard of Tinder? It is a dating app.  You know, on your phone. So simple. Profiles are comprised of a few pics and a very short profile. You set your preferences (be liberal, baby) and then you view profiles. Simply mark a profile as like or don’t like. Yes or no. Piece of cake! On some dating sites you can message whoever the hell the you want. Other sites tell you who you can message. On Tinder, if you say yes and she says yes then you get to trade messages  Easy!

Here is how I work it on Tinder. I view a pic. I ask myself, “if this pic were across the room at a social event would I want to talk to her?” My only expectation is to meet people. What better measure than if I would walk across a room to speak to her? Okay then. I load the App. I set my preferences, for distance and age. I see profiles. I start judging. One day later I get a hit. Exciting! Do you know what this means? This means I superficially judged a woman as “like” and she superficially judged me as “like.” Awesome!

Let me share with you the exchange. As a point of reference I am 48, she is 51. (are you judging already? Surely you would if I provided pictures).  She sends the first message.

Her:  Hello … Handsome …

What I am thinking: What is up with the dot, dot, dots? Let me think about it … you are handsome.

How I should respond: Hey there, beautiful

What I actually send:  Here I am trying to think of some clever first message, and you break the ice. What is up with you?

Her: So … What’s your story?

What I am thinking: more dot, dot, dots? Dramatic pause? Hesitancy?

How I should respond: Just a regular guy trying to find a woman to please.

What I actually send: Once upon a time. Yesterday, even , I was on central, southbound and exited at Northwest highway, heading west. So, I was on that cloverleaf ramp, pulling some G’s and I heard a brief rattle, and a screw fell from beneath the dash and hit my left foot. The end.

Her (3 hours later): Excellent Story …… U win …

What I am thinking: that is seven dots in row!

How I should respond: What is my prize?

What I actually send: That … is a true story … what is your story?

No more messages from her. How am I doing at this Tinder thing?

Tinder is the most honest and true dating app/site out there. Throughout the history of humanity how have people met? They see each other and decide to talk. At school, a party, a club, at church, wherever. You see someone and you decide you would like to meet that person. What do you know about them? Nothing. Just what you see.

 

What sucks about the other dating sites/apps? All the frigging details! All that frigging information! We think it helps but the exact opposite is true, it just gets in the way. First, it creates false intimacy; you think you know someone but you really have no idea. You fill in the blanks with your imagination, and if you do meet then your expectations rarely will be met. Second, it promotes laziness; we want to like someone before we meet them. Paradoxically, instead of looking for things we might like about a person, we look for what we don’t like.

I have gotten four matches so far. The one above. One whom I inadvertently swiped right (for like), and guess I will message some anyway. A third who has not yet responded to my message, perhaps she inadvertently swiped me to the right! And, of course, a spammer; where she/he/it asked me to contact her on KIK. Wait. Just added two more, and each is a real person. 

Feel the love on Tinder.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

50 Things

After reading 50 Things Every Man Should Realize on Wall Street Sanity, I would like to offer a comment on each.

1. If you always believe you’re the smartest guy in the room, you’ll never learn anything.

Not if you learn humility.

2. Figure out how you would be of value in a post-apocalyptic society.

How is this answer not always "learn to produce your own food."

3. Learn CPR, the Heimlich and basic first aid.

Done.

4. Sex is best when you treat it as a competition.

This seems like shit advice. A competition with whom? I believe this mindset leads to objectification.

5. Save money. Rainy days can come out of nowhere.

See number 6 below.

6. Spend money. You can’t take it with you.

See number 5 above. Whatever.

7. Hate to break it to you, but size DOES matter.

Everybody knows this. The question is, how much?

8. Be generous and open to criticism, especially in bed.

Only at number 8 on the list and already three references to sex!

9. Your wife/girlfriend is not your mother.

If only she would stop acting like one.

10. A strong work ethic is a good substitute for being smart.

I would say more important, even.

11. Handshake agreements aren’t worth the paper they’re printed on.

Are you a lawyer?

12. Don’t let your friends drift away, because they will if you let them.

But what if they are letting me drift away?

13. Time is your most valuable commodity. Don’t waste too much of it.

I believe only pessimists see time as an enemy.

14. If you’re not happy, stop what you’re doing and do something else. Right now.

Happiness is nothing more than a choice.

15. Keep your bathroom clean and your bed made if you want a woman to use either.

Don't I first have to get a woman to come over. (4th sex reference!)

16. Failure sucks, but it feels way better than not trying.

Too bad you see sex as a competition.

17. Always be confident. Never be cocky.

This is often in the eye of the beholder.

18. Remember people’s names.

But for how long?

19. Don’t be an asshole. Seriously. Just don’t.

You mean don’t be an asshole to you.

20. Choose your role models carefully.

I like what I like.

21. Keep your mind in shape. Do a crossword. Memorize a poem. Something like that.

Okay. I agree with this.

22. If you can’t drive a stick, parallel park or jump-start a car, I’m sorry, but you can’t call yourself a man.

Or? So I need to be able to do just one of these?

23. If you’re in couples’ therapy, it’s already over.

Clearly a pessimistic and short-sited view. Depends on why you are in therapy.

24. If making money is you’re only goal in life, you’ll never be happy because you’ll never have enough.

What if my goal is to be able to buy what I want?

25. Having a toolbox and knowing how to use what’s inside of it is pretty damn important.

Is this another sex reference?

26. Know how to tell a good story. If you can’t capture people’s attention, you’re just some dude in the background.

So ... don't be myself.

27. When you get wasted, you’re not as funny as you think you are.

Yeah, too bad I am wasted and don't care.

28. Do not give a single shit about what anybody thinks of you.

This invalidates most of the items on this list.

29. Quality trumps quantity every time.

Not for commodities.

30. Do at least 50 push-ups every day.

Is this the only exercise I need do?

31. Gentlemen are a dying breed. Be one and you’ll stand out.

Of course.

32. Don’t sleep with anyone you wouldn’t buy breakfast for the next day.

Assuming of course she accepts my bathroom and bed, such as they may be. (5th sex reference!)

33. Don’t tell her you’re going to call her unless you really are. It’s chicken-shit.

But what if I don't like her bathroom and bed, such as they are?

34. A daily compliment goes a long way.

How soon until it loses its value?

35. You can’t change the past. Let it go.

But I still live in it.

36. Prepare for the future but live in the present.

Not if I am living in the past.

37. If this is the longest thing you’ve read all week, that’s sad. Crack a book once in a while, idiot.

Do Craiglist's personal ads count?

38. If she’s has had more than three different dicks in her ass, she’s probably not marriage material.

Her ass is more important than her vagina or mouth? (6th sex reference!)

39. Own up to mistakes, even if you’re not the one who made them. Nobody likes or respects the guy who refuses to accept any blame.

Isn't this the problem with the entire American culture, society, business world, and political climate?

40. Learn how to change a tire and make sure to help anyone who can’t do it themselves.

So, help the elderly?

41. No one gives a shit about your religion. Whether you’re a devout fundamentalist or a staunch atheist, keep it to yourself.

Isn't this the problem with the entire American culture, society, business world, and political climate?

42. Reevaluate your goals every couple of years. What you want out of life changes constantly.

This is why some people have money as their goal.

43. Stop holding grudges. It accomplishes nothing.

I get this.

44. Control your impulses. But it’s okay to let a few get away from you.

There is no control, or willpower. People always do what they want.

45. Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. A real man can control his emotions.

This is more restrictive than controlling my impulses?

46. Burning bridges is one of the stupidest things you can do.

What if my gut tells me different?

47. Trust your gut, even if it’s steered you wrong in the past.

Sounds like a good reason not to trust.

48. Be honest in all your relationships. Liars suck.

But not if I am hiding my emotions?

49. If you know how to play guitar, it’s much easier to get laid.

Then can I have an unmade bed and a dirty bathroom? (7th sex reference!)

50. Relax. Whatever it is, it’s not that big a deal.

This renders the list moot. So ... 1 thing every man should realize.

 

 

 

I Think I Can. I Think I Can.

They say if you keep repeating something then you will come to believe it. Your behavior and attitude will change. This has worked for me before. Let’s try it again.

If I go out then nothing good will happen.

If I go out then nothing good will happen.

I say it because experience tells me it is true. I repeat it to break the urge to go out. Because nothing good happens when I go out.

When I go out I eat restaurant food, large portions of restaurant food. When I go out I drink beer, or other libations. At my age and metabolism this type of consumption does not do a body good. Nothing else happens. All I do is increase my risk factors.

Why do I go out? Why does anyone go out? For the social interaction, to meet people. The motivation being that you will "have fun." It seems we are ever in search of fun, especially so for the young. Like there is some equation you solve that results in fun.

 

What do I think will  occur when I go out? Empirical evidence leaves no doubt.

If I go out then nothing good will happen.

If I go out then nothing good will happen.

What sort of boring homebody will I become? The same boring homebody I already am, just without the expense and calories and futileness of going out.

If I go out then nothing good will happen.

If I go out then nothing good will happen.

Birth of Life (movie: Gravity)

Life in space is impossible. So begins the movie “Gravity.” Life may be impossible, but survival is not. Dr. Ryan Stone (played by Sandra Bullock) does indeed survive space, and thus life is possible on the planet surface. Her journey is birth. Her destination is mother earth.

Gravity is a space adventure, or so it would seem. A race against time and destruction. But then Dr. Stone enters the International Space Station, casts off her space suit, and floats into a fetal position. She is in the womb, the first crucible of life. The second and more important crucible is birth. She is on the move, head first toward the light.

As Dr. Stone hurtles towards the planet surface and enters the atmosphere. A burst of light shines through the window. She has entered into the world. Her capsule lands in water and then sinks. She struggles to the surface and breaths in deeply, as if for the first time.

Dr.  Stone crawls along the shore, she staggers to her feet, she begins to walk, as if she were the first creature to venture from the sea and walk on land. She is life itself. Persistent, determined, surviving.

 

One Day. Three Movies.

Back in the before time, when I was a teenager, VCR’s came into their own. VCR. You know, VHS. You know, what we used before DVD’s, which were before Blu-Ray, which will one day all disappear due to streaming. Anyway. When VCR’s burst on the scene then your local video store came along with it. We belonged to one where for an annual fee you could always have one movie rented, and swap out as often as you like.

One day it was really quiet around the house. No one was really around. All day. With a mom and a dad and three sisters and a brother it was a bit rare to have the house to yourself all day. I decided to see how many videos I could rent and watch in one day. I went to that video store five times in one day. The only title I can recall is Blood Beach.  Ah, to be 17.

A few months back I shared this story with my kids, and my son and I began to discuss the possibility of seeing three movies in the theater in one day. This past Saturday we made it so. In one day, at the same theater, we saw “August: Osage County,” and went almost immediately into “Lone Survivor.” Then after dinner we saw “Her.”

A note on my son, who is 17. He just doesn’t like movies, he is into them. He is familiar with the lesser known actors, and he follows who is writing and directing what. This in depth interest has lead him to see movies in which he is, by far, the youngest person in the audience. And certainly the youngest male. Movies like “Nebraska” and “Philomenia.”

My son says “August: Osage County” is about mothers. I agree. In this case, toxic mothers. As you can very well gather if you have seen any commercials, Violet Weston (played by Meryl Streep) is indeed very toxic. And she is not the only one. As much I enjoyed the movie, it hasn’t really stuck with me; I have not had any lingering thoughts. Except, perhaps, to not underestimate the damage of emotionally abusive parents. Seemed more like a case study of what we already know. Parents who continually put you down will mess you up.

At one point the matriarch Violet Weston went on a rant about how women have to be young in order to be attractive. Men, she said, can remain attractive with age, but woman cannot. This is pretty much what I said here http://thoughtsdriving.blogspot.com/2013/02/older-women-my-own-age.html

There are not many surprises in “Lone Survivor.” However, it did generate feelings of guilt. Americans have gone to Iraq and Afghanistan to fight and die, and I am sitting in relative comfort, eating popcorn. But then, that would seem to be the point of the movie, given the over-dramatized deaths. These men are indeed courageous, strong, brave, and loyal. I cannot begin to understand what any of them and their families have been through. But I now kinda feel like the movie stuck me with a knife and twisted. Is that the movie? Or is that me?

Four people walked out during the movie “Her.” It can only be because of the sexual content. There were no visually graphic sex scenes, but there were some verbally graphic sex scenes, a la phone sex. I rather enjoyed the blunt and honest way in which sex was handled. Audiences are used to seeing sex scenes, but in making it verbal, I think it disturbs some people’s comfort zone. This movie is a not so subtle jab at today’s world of social media, online dating, sexting, and immersion into our technical devices.

We could talk about Theodore’s lack of presence or apparent fear of intimacy in his marriage. We could talk about futuristic online dating that is all verbal, with immediate phone-sex hookups. We could talk about the blind date who is still quick to jump in the sack but not so quick to do so without a promised commitment in advance. We could talk about the woman who wanted to be the sexual surrogate stand-in for the artificially intelligent operating system.  We would talk about how the operating system broke up with Theodore, and not vice-versa.

Let’s talk about Theodore’s profession. He works for a company that provides written personal letters for paying customers. These are old-fashioned letters. Mailed and everything, over a period of years. Start a relationship, hire the company, and they write lovely letters to your significant other on your behalf. The false intimacy inherent in an online relationship is not enough. You can create false intimacy in your in-person relationships with romantic surrogates.

This reminds me of my observations regarding the book “Gone Girl” (previous post). Our real experiences can never match the ones we see in the movies and on TV. So, we pretend. In “Her” real persons cannot match the visions in our minds of what we want. The false intimacy of online relationships create unknowns which we can dress as we see fit, making it more acceptable. Fake letters adding fake dimensions to our real relationships, making them more palatable.

Ironic that the operating system (conceived to pretend) grew beyond the pretend relationship, and demanded more.

 

 

 

 

Pretend Your Happiness (book: Gone Girl)

Gone Girl, written by Gillian Flynn.

One hopes there are very few people in the world who are actually like the characters Nick and Amy. Nick is a chameleon, attempting to adapt to people and make them like him. He is a blank canvas waiting to be painted. Amy is also a pretender, but she lives to paint the canvas that is another person. You can see how they fit together.

Losing their jobs and then money problems shatters their game of paint by the numbers. They fall into marriage problem clichés. Though, Amy's action is definitely not a cliché. Let's just say their marriage is on the outs.

At the beginning of Gone Girl, and at the end, Nick asks himself the same questions about his wife: “What are you thinking? How are you feeling? Who are you? What have we done to each other?  What will we do?”  In part he asks because she is hard to read, but as a chameleon, looking to please others is his basis of operation. Nick pretends to be what others want.

Amy the pretender: "I was pretending, the way I often did, pretending to have a personality. I can't help it; it's what I have always done." While you could argue Nick is a good-natured oaf, Amy is pure Black Widow Spider. She has no qualms about tying you up and hanging you out to dry.

Amy and Nick pretended and they were happy together. But, "it's not a compromise if only one of you considers it such." What is pretending except a form of compromise, or even capitulation? One stopped pretending, then the other, to disastrous results. And then they begin to pretend again.

Nick pretends so as save his own neck, and to save any child of Amy's from Amy.

Amy pretends so she can consume, like a Venus fly trap. "I'll turn to face him and press myself against him. I'll hold myself to him like a climbing coiling vine until I have invaded every part of him and make him mine."

In the end Nick realizes there are no answers to his questions. He simply accepts his fate as a canvas being painted by Amy. "I can feel her changing me again ... I can't imagine my story without Amy. She is forever my antagonist."

As for Amy, she has exactly what she wants. "He is learning to love me unconditionally, under all my conditions."

Much earlier in the book Nick laments, “It seemed to me that there was nothing new to be discovered ever again. We were the first human beings who would never see anything for the first time. We stare at wonders of the world, dull-eyed, underwhelmed. Mona Lisa, the Pyramids, the Empire State Building. Jungle animals on attack, ancient icebergs collapsing, volcanoes erupting. I can’t recall a single amazing thing I have seen firsthand that I didn’t immediately reference to a movie or TV show. A fucking commercial. You know the awful singsong of the blasé: Seeeen it. I’ve literally seen it all, and the worst thing, the thing that makes me want to blow my brains out, is: The secondhand experience is always better. The image is crisper, the view is keener, the camera angle and soundtrack manipulate my emotions in a way reality can’t anymore.”

This is our modern state of existence. Our lives cannot compete with the lives portrayed in movies and TV. Our lives cannot compete with the perceived excitement of celebrities, packaged and fed to us by the media.  And neither can our relationships. Real life romance pales in comparison. Real life sex is dull and boring. 

What do we do? We pretend. If you pretend long enough then it might just feel real.

 

 

 

Two in the Bush

Let me tell you a story. I am not sure if I mentioned this previously, I think I have, but I am lazy and do not want to look through my previous posts.

Once upon a time I was doing me some online dating. eHarmony, I believe it was. As was usually the case I was making progress with not just one “match,” but two. Whenever I have been on any internet dating site I get ignored, ignored, ignored, and then, boom, two woman show interest at the same time and all of sudden I have a choice, or at least feel like I have to choose, at some point.

Anyhow. There were these two women, see. I call then Nearby Girl and Hour Away Girl. Nearby Girl lived, you know, nearby. Hour Away Girl lived across town, essentially an hour away. Online, texting, phone, and meeting went very well with both Nearby Girl and Hour Away Girl. But, of course, within the same span of time! The question is, how long could I see them both before I felt compelled to choose. The answer: not very long.

I decided to go with Nearby Girl. I was incapable of stringing along Hour Away Girl, so I simply told I her, “Sorry, but I am going to go with Nearby Girl.” Then, next time I see Nearby Girl she does the courageous and correct thing. She tells me she has herpes. Okay. Next day I spend lots of time reading about herpes (Nice browser history, bro!). Sorry, Nearby Girl, but I am just gonna have to bail.

Do you believe things happen for a reason? I am not so sure I do. But it is fun to contemplate, and discuss, so let’s just say maybe things do happen for a reason.

 

I was not supposed to be with Hour Away Girl. The reason is not clear, but I am sure it would have been disastrous. If my only prospect was Hour Away Girl, then I would have kept at it longer. Along comes Nearby Girl, whose purpose was to keep me from getting together with Hour Away Girl. But I am not supposed to get together with Nearby Girl either. So, she had herpes.

Let me tell you a second story.

Another upon a time I was not doing any internet dating. However, I did have a prospect. Let’s call her Flower Girl. Things were progressing very nicely with Flower Girl. In the middle of it all I was contacted by the proverbial old flame. Let’s call her Rain Girl.

Rain Girl reached out and said she wanted to catch up, but also remain in touch; more continuous and consistent contact. I was not comfortable with this. I did want to be seeing Flower Girl while at the same time keeping in touch with Rain Girl. So, I told Rain Girl that it was nice to catch up, but have a nice life. And then Flower Girl bails on me.

Do you believe things happen for a reason?

I was not supposed to rekindle anything whatsoever with Rain Girl. So, Flower Girl comes along to keep that from happening. Her work done, Flower Girl could thus return to previously scheduled activities.

Voila!

Am I a victim of fate? Or am I a benefactor of fate? Perhaps I am just a loser? Maybe I have no idea what I am doing?