Who can you trust?

Actually, it is not WHO can you trust; it is WHAT can you trust. You can’t trust a person, but you can trust what they are.

You ever thought about how much we trust as we drive our cars about roads and highways? Travelling at high speeds in heavy vehicles just feet from other vehicles, and sometimes those vehicles are travelling in the opposite direction. How do we do this with confidence? Because we trust that other drivers are looking out for themselves. We trust that other drivers do not want an accident, or injury, or death. Just as we don’t want those things. We trust in the self-serving nature of humans.

So on the roads and highways; so in life.

Trust is considered an important component in any relationship. What exactly are we trusting? We trust the other person will keep our best interests in the forefront of their thinking and behavior. We trust they will not hurt us. We trust they will provide us support and comfort. We trust they will not offend or betray us. We want that in our relationships.

Can you really trust another person to always keep your best interests in mind? The answer has to be no. What you can trust, however, is that a person will always keep their best interests in mind. In terms of a relationship how can you know if you can trust what a person is? How can you have confidence in the other person’s interests?

I could talk about mutual concerns and activities while respecting differences. I could talk about building a life together so you are “in the same boat.” I could talk about controlling what you can control, leading by example; you be there for the other, you be loyal, you earn trust. But our society is replete with examples of broken trust where the above conditions existed.

How can you trust?

Let’s close with a quote from Star Trek: The Next Generation:

RIKER: In all trust there is the possibility of betrayal. I’m not sure you were prepared for that.

DATA: Were you prepared, sir?
RIKER: I don’t think anybody ever is.
DATA: Then it is better not to trust?
RIKER: Without trust there is no friendship, no closeness. None of the emotional bonds that make us who we are.
DATA: And yet you put yourself at risk.
RIKER: Every single time.

Every single time.

Something To Talk About

It has been suggested I blog about something more personal. What can be more personal than sharing inane mental ramblings? Most bloggers, it seems, are either wanna-be journalists, pushing some agenda, or those whose blogs are more like diary entries.

Fine. Let’s talk about my love life. Is that personal enough for ya?! I’ll just throw out some stories and we’ll see what lands.

When it comes to dating I always seem to have no choices, or multiple choices. Never is it so easy as having one person I find interesting. There is either none, zero, zilch, or there is two or more. How long do I string each along before making a choice? I can tell you right now, I always choose too early. I am no good at stringing along.

I met this one woman; let’s call her Rockwall Girl. Rockwall Girl and I got along well enough. A good rapport. Within days I met a second woman; let’s call her Frisco Girl. Frisco Girl was going well, too. After going out with each, I eventually felt compelled to choose. I was leaning toward Rockwall Girl, and there was talk of “escalation.” But then spent time with Frisco Girl and I’m thinking it is going really good. As I said, I felt compelled to choose.

I speak with Rockwall Girl and tell her that any talk of “escalation” is just that, talk; that I was going to move on down the road. The next time I go out with Frisco Girl she does a brave and right thing and informs me she has herpes. We have a discussion about it. I do some research on it. Nope. Just couldn’t pull the trigger on that. Sorry, Frisco Girl.

To me, I was never supposed to get together with Rockwall Girl. Frisco Girl came along to stop that from happening. But, I wasn’t supposed to get together with Frisco Girl, either. Her job done, she has herpes to put the nip in that bud. Things ended up just as they are supposed to be. Alone.

I am just not that into her. This happens to me frequently. While I want a relationship, I don’t need one, so I don’t go out with someone just because I can.  I don’t date just to date, and the consequence is that I let burgeoning relationships die on the vine because I am apparently not that into her. Two cases in point, several years apart.

Wine Girl. What was not to like about Wine Girl? We went out several times, including bowling with her kids, and she did something nice on my birthday. Then one day I realize it had been two weeks since I had spoken to her. I figured if I went two weeks without thinking to call her, or going out with her, then clearly I wasn’t interested. Like a default decision. 

Lake Girl and I seemed to hit it off well, in some ways we got along very well. Again, what was not to like? Again, I simply lost interest and motivation; regardless of how much I thought I liked her.

Let’s put this another way. Perhaps I suck at dating. That is not to say I am wet rag on dates. Quite the contrary, if I say so myself. I just suck at getting to know someone through dating. My preference is to get to know someone in a more casual setting, without any expectations. Whenever I have felt strongly about someone it has been when I have gotten to know them in a setting other than going on dates. Invariably they are not available, or not interested. Perhaps things are as they are supposed to be. Alone.

Let’s finish with some quickies …

Class Girl. This was a case of too much information too soon. I need to not spill my guts so much. 

College Girl. An abrupt reverse course. Lead me down one path and then didn’t like it when I embraced it.

Running Girl. Awesome. She might had been available, but she thought I was 10 years younger than I am (which makes her very generous!).

Experiment Girl. I waffled too much, but then there wasn’t really much there, aside from the experiment.

Lonely Girl. Kind of depressing, really. Not a good idea. 

Navy Girl. Not a good match, we both agreed. But we did try.

Flower Girl. Game player? Says one thing, does another, but seems genuinely conflicted.

Next Girl. Should there even be a next girl? Maybe I will join a convent. Alone.

Cheers!

What? Who?

There are two ways in which people are attracted to someone: based on WHAT they are, and based on WHO they are. In my experience most people care more about the WHAT than the WHO.

WHAT is temporary. WHAT is possessions. As in WHAT a person has. Does a person have money. Does a person have fame. Does a person have a nice car. How does a person dress. What is a person’s appearance. What are a person’s activities and hobbies. It is all about WHAT you can do with a person, or WHAT they can do for you.

Do I even need to tell you? Of course, this is shallow. Of course, this is America! We are all about the WHAT. From our personal and professional relationships, to pop culture and entertainment, and especially our politics.

Back to relationships. WHAT is temporary. When you base your reason on being with someone because of WHAT they are, and WHAT changes (as it usually does) then you find yourself not so interested anymore. Because you don’t care about WHO the person is, you only care about the WHAT.

WHAT is transferable. If you are not getting WHAT you want from the person you are with, then you feel justified in finding WHAT you want with someone else.

WHO a person is. That is what really matters. And when they (whoever they are) speak of true love, what they really mean is being with someone because of WHO they are. That means you still want to be with them over the years, with all the changes to WHAT; regardless of the WHAT.

WHAT is essentially unhappiness, because WHAT is in continual search of happiness.

WHO is happiness; happiness in WHO you are, and happiness in WHO you are with.

Loneliness As Motivation

I completed a book called Wild Seed, by Octavia E. Butler. The book covers much ground, including slavery, racism, sexism, choice (or lack thereof), family, and different aspects of personal relationships.  The theme that caught my attention was loneliness.

In the book there are two immortal humans, while the rest of humanity is its regular dying self. A man has lived for over 3,000 years. He has done so because he has the ability to move from body to body. When he moves into a body the original owner is killed. The bodies he leaves behind fall to ground, meeting their physical end. A woman has lived for over 300 years. She has the ability to see into her own cells and manipulate them. Thus she can heal all wounds, cure all sickness, and keep her body young.

The woman is a classic “gatherer.” Even though she outlives all of her progeny she prefers to be near family, and continues to hold emotional attachments to all of her decedents.  The man has essentially lost touch with his humanity. He is as unfeeling towards humans as we are to insects. At most he sees humans as a commodity (the book makes many references to humans as livestock). If the woman were to live for thousands of years would she too lose empathy towards other humans?

The idea is put forth that the man has lost his humanity because of loneliness. He has long ago lost any emotional connection. The remedy is for him to accept the woman as some sort of companion, and to not kill her as he would eventually do. He can become human again because of emotional connection through companionship.

It got me thinking about the power of loneliness, and the motivation to avoid loneliness. How often is our behavior dictated by our loneliness? How often do we force, or settle for, a relationship in order to avoid being alone? How often do we accept undesirable situations in a relationships so as not to lose that relationship? How often do we seek out casual sex to get a temporary feeling of acceptance?

If you are unable, or unwilling, to be alone then are you leading an emotionally healthy life? Conversely, what if you have accepted being alone to the point where you are unable, or unwilling, to begin relationships? As usual, the answer lies in-between. Moderation. Balance.

Three W's and Yes/No

The Three W’s can be applied to any type of relationship. The Three W’s are:

What you WANT.
What you are WILLING.
What you WON’T.

Never do a WON’T , and never insist someone else do their WON’T.
You must continually discuss your Three W’s, because they change over time. Your boundaries expand, contact, and move this way and that.

Example. Let’s say you hate going to garage sales. They are a WON’T for you. But your significant other enjoys going to garage sales. Guess what? You never go to them, and your significant other accepts this and never insists you go, nor harbors resentment over this.

In conjunction with this is something I call Yes/No. You should be able to say No without fear of the other becoming angry or building resentment. Consequently you will then say Yes with confidence. You should be able to hear NO without you becoming angry or building resentment. Consequently you will then be able to hear Yes with confidence, knowing that your partner is not building resentment by agreeing to something they don’t want to do.

So simple! Yet for many, so hard to do.

Divorce Recovery

First off, when deciding whether or not to end a relationship I believe there is only one question you need ask yourself: do you want to make it work? Well, do ya? Some would answer yes to that question but then take little action to actually make it work. Making it work means change. It means you change. If you are unwilling to make significant changes, then no, you do not want to make it work. When relationships do fail, what next?

First thing is to not be in a relationship.

It seems the most popular method of divorce recovery is to simply have that next relationship. When I was getting divorced just about everyone was telling me to date, to get a girlfriend. I believe this to be the exact wrong thing to do. For many the solution to a failed relationship is to be with a different person in the next relationship. Nope. YOU need to be a different person in your next relationship.

 

If you roll from one relationship to the next then, really, it is just like one big relationship. You carry over your habits, behaviors, wants and needs and just transfer them from one person to another. You are the same. You need to take time to consider your contribution, work to improve yourself, and then begin to think about having another relationship.

Understand your contribution to your failed relationship.

Have you ever noticed that when asked about their divorce people invariably tell stories about their former spouse? You hear all the things their former spouse did, or did not do. 99 out of 100 divorces are 50-50. Half the responsibility lies with each spouse. It is important to understand your former spouses contribution, but it is paramount that you understand your contribution. And don’t just focus on the end; review the entire course of the relationship. Attitude? Behavior? When were you selfish? What did you take for granted? What did you ignore? Did you fixate on anything? What caused resentment? Did you hold a grudge?

Envision how you are going to be different in your next relationship.

If only … If only… Have you have said how your life or relationship would be better if only … If only this would happen. If only my spouse would do this, or that. If only my spouse would be this way, or that way. If only … There is one thing in this world you can control: you. (And let’s face it, sometimes you can’t even control yourself!) Take those “if only’s” and apply them to yourself. YOU do this or that. YOU be this way or that way. You make it happen.

Want (not need) a relationship.

Do you need a relationship? Or do you want a relationship? Can you appreciate the difference between need and want? You should remain on your own, without a relationship, until you realize you don’t need one. You are capable of being perfectly content without a relationship. Now, want a relationship. If you want. ☺

Be a different person in your next relationship.